Ladies and gentlemen (mostly the latter), I have fallen in love with a woman. Everyone always says they know ‘hotter chicks’ down at the local grocery store/commissary/strip club, but they peak in one area: shallowness. In this film, I have met a woman I could love until I died. Or my heart fell out, although that would surely lead to… whatever. Anyway, my point is that this woman is magic. In the real world, she’s known as Greta Gerwig. In this piece, she’s known as Naomi. And she’s a hero. Of my heart.
Naomi is passionate about New York. She leads illegal touring groups through the city, exposing her incredible vault of trivial knowledge about the city’s best landmarks. A bumbling, drunk British dude (played by Russell Brand) keeps hassling her for the time of day, and for the first third of the film, she doesn’t dole out. But this is a woman with a solid core, a mission. She wants to publish children’s books. Her life is humble, she has a humble wardrobe with a humble look and a humble attitude that leads to great conversations (well, at least her half of the chat, anyway). She lives in Queens with her father near the L train that rumbles by nightly. She lost her mother as a child…
This is a gorgeous woman I’d love to spend the rest of my life with. A fantastic human being who personifies everything I want in a woman: ambition, extreme cuteness (cute-ocity?), and a you’re-never-gonna-bring-me-down attitude.
It’s such a shame then that she has to share most of her screen time with Russell Brand in this mostly awful and unfunny flick where Russell Brand (playing Russell Brand) flops across each frame doing stupid crap in a film that simply cannot find a way to end at an appropriate time (namely, long before it actually does). Something about money, marriage, blah blah blah. You want plot, just watch the trailer.
I think the real question I’m asking here is: Greta Gerwig, will you marry me?
(Also, to my jerk friends who thought this was a cool film, you’re jerks and we’re no longer friends. Kyle, you suck.)