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FleshEatingZipper Presents: The Manliest Men – 2011 Edition *UPDATED WITH : The One Man To Rule All Men*

Posted by on June 19, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Just in time for Father’s Day, we – the best judges of Manliness – conspired to build a comprehensive list of the Manliest Men. We have heroes: humans of a similar gender that inspire us in imaginative and perhaps romantic (no homo) ways, reminding us what we can aspire to be. We all have our favorites and we’re more than happy to show you the light… of the Manliest Men of 2011.

George Clooney by Nick

If anything, I’d say that Mr. Clooney is an elegant cup of coffee: soothing at first with an organic bean blend that gets your heart pumping. He started out humbly enough on TV shows, winding up on the legendary drama ER in its first seasons before he made a stab at films, never quite rolling back. While starring in Batman & Robin early on wasn’t a great choice, following up with Soderbergh’s Out of Sight (with then-luscious Jennifer Lopez), the Ocean’s movies as the titular Danny Ocean, the Coens’ O’ Brother Where Art Thou, and a bunch of moody dramas like Good Night and Good Luck, Syriana, and the meditative The American have cemented his cred. George Clooney is like a slab of great marble: hard to acquire and classic, ideal for European settings. We may disagree about Obama and, well, anything politically, but I think we can see eye-to-eye on one thing: he’s manly. Also: Up In The Air.

Mark Walhberg by Keith

Mark is a wheel of stinky cheese that pairs well with fig chutney and a glass of pinot noir. Just like any great stinky cheese, Mark took a while to mature into the man he is today. He began as a troubled youth that jumped into the fame wagon as his brother was jumping off. Soon after Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch ended, he made his big debut with The Substitute, a TV movie about a substitute teacher who murders to keep her murderous past a secret all while seducing a student (Marky Mark). Surprisingly, that started the ball rolling and thus began to rise in the ranks of stardom. I don’t think there’s a single role of Mark’s I don’t like. The man himself is incredibly respectable and an upstanding gentleman. Not only that, but he’s vocal about his faith and Catholicism — pretty uncommon to find in Hollywood. Needless to say, he definitely stands out as a manly man.

Timothy Olyphant by Kelly

Timothy Olyphant is like a gun: deadly. That’s right, you know I make the best analogies and jokes! In almost all of his roles he has a gun. He was awesome in The Girl Next Door playing the character Kelly, that movie is almost a documentary of my life but I get Elisha Cuthbert at the end. He was also in Deadwood before moving onto Hitman and Live Free or Die Hard. I think I was the only one who liked Hitman, what’s not to like, guns, more guns and naked Olga Kurylenko! Now he stars in Justified where he is constantly kicking ass as a US Marshall. Timothy Olyphant is one of those guys that can play either the bad or good guy and do it well and that makes him a manly man.

Daniel Craig by Johnny

There are few things more manly than a good glare, and Daniel Craig can glare like no other. He is best know as the sixth actor to pick up the James Bond mantle, and he’s the first since Sean Connery to actually infuse the British assassin with some balls. Instead of playing Bond with winks and nudges, Craig brought a dark edge to the character, adding much-needed depth to a franchise that had become a goofy gadget showcase for pretty boys. Craig will next be seen in the upcoming Cowboys and Aliens where he plays some kind of outlaw with no memory and a laser-shootin’ alien shackle on his wrist. After that, he’ll portray journalist Mikael Blomkvist in the American adaptation of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. There are some actors that can pretend to kick ass, but Daniel Craig looks like he literally kicks three asses before breakfast. He’s not the kind of guy to get on the wrong side of. As I said in my Julia Roberts article, Daniel Craig is even the manly man that my wife wants me to live up to. I guess I better start working on my glare…

 

Ok, ok, ok…Look here. We all know this article is supposed to be about MANLY men so my question is this: Why is it filled with a bunch of pretty boys? Like…What’s so manly about these men? I mean, sure, they’re all known for playing some manly roles in some manly movies but when it boils down to it, they’re all makeup and cologne and frozen fucking latte’s in their trailers between takes.

Well, not for me. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the manliest motherfucker who ever walked this hot rock we call home.

Todd Weeks by Rob

That’s right…I went there. I called down the thunder. I invoked the name of Todd Weeks. He’s such a bad ass, you can’t even focus on him. That’s right…That photo, above, was taken during the filming of a defense-instruction video series, with a 12.3 megapixel DSLR camera from about 10 feet away and not only did Mr. Weeks’ sheer fucking manliness completely blur the picture, his testosterone levels were so overwhelming that the camera’s protection circuitry automatically kicked in and did a PIP image of “The Dragon” fucking shit up on a drum, so it wouldn’t go supernova and take out half of Cincinnati.

Todd Weeks has starred in such films as – Jack Shit. Todd Weeks doesn’t star in films. I told you, you can’t focus a camera on him and if he DID let you catch a good frame of him, you’d be completely incapable of doing anything but sitting in front of it, touching yourself and smiling for the rest of your days on this earth. Even Chuck Norris vanished for a few years after meeting Todd Weeks for a sparring match. He had to spend 16.4 million dollars on in-patient therapy and shock treatments to get the horrifying images of Todd out of his mind so he could sleep again. Even still, if you say anything around Chuck that even SOUNDS like “Todd Weeks”, he collapses in a ball and sucks his thumb for 45 minutes while he waits for the anxiety meds to kick in.

Try it. Walk up to Chuck and say “Hey, Chuck…I heard every time you do a roundhouse kick, *GOD WEEPS*”. Just prepare for an ass kicking when he comes to his senses.

Here’s some shit you PROBABLY didn’t know about Todd Weeks.

Todd Weeks was the original casting directors choice for the lead in Walker, Texas Ranger, but turned the part down citing, “Go pitch this to somebody who NEEDS to look like they kick ass. I already do.” He then added, “Why don’t you ask that pussy Chuck Norris?”

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain; but Todd Weeks’ chief export is DEATH!

While there may in fact be another fist beneath the beard of Chuck Norris, beneath the beard of Todd Weeks is another Todd Weeks.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer. Then finally, Todd Weeks turned it into a quarter pounder with cheese and nine throwing stars.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card. Todd Weeks can get it with a six-sided die.

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000. If each answer reads Todd Weeks, Harvard will simply mail you your degree of choice.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. It should however be noted that this was the year Todd Weeks skipped the event to have sex with Chuck’s wife.

The rumor is that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq because Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma. While fantasitc in theory, everybody knows that the REAL reason is because Todd Weeks moved to Siria about a week prior to the US invasion of Iraq.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. Pretty impressive, but can he send that horse to Taco Bell for a Crunch Wrap and a Bean Burrito? Todd Weeks can.

When God said, “let there be light”, Chuck Norris said, “say ‘please’.” This was of course followed by a smack to the back of his head from Todd Weeks who simply stated, “Give the man some light already!”

Chuck Norris uses 8’x10′ sheets of plywood as toilet paper. That’s fine for him I suppose. Of course we all know that Todd Weeks never takes a dump. He has trained his body never to waste a thing.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Todd Weeks doesn’t need to wait. People know better than to even try it.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, It won’t be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women. For the record, Todd Weeks had to move on to animals years ago.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego. She is at home waiting for a call from Todd Weeks.

Yep…that’s how manly MY pick is. Now, I’m going to show you a video of Todd Weeks warming up for a workout (which, consequently, was the same day that big earthquake happened in Japan…I’m not saying they’re related, I’m just pointing that out). Try NOT to shit your pants, k?

Just the fact that those cats survived seeing this means they can kill you with a wink…Be warned!

And that, as they say, is THAT.

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