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True Blood – Season 4 Premiere. Let The Sucking Begin?

Posted by on June 27, 2011 at 1:33 am

This article was submitted by guest contributor Jen

True Blood Fans – These are not the Vampires you are looking for..

We begin with a quick round-up of where we left our friends in Bon Temp;

Remember when?

Bill and Queen Sophie-Ann are flying crouching tiger/hidden dragon style about to kill each other.

Bill and Eric toss King Russell into a vat of cement.

Bill tosses Eric into the cement, then calls to have Vampire Pam killed.

Sam shoots his brother Tommy while Tommy is running away with Sam’s money.

Lafayette keeps hallucinating big scaries since he dropped V with his new guy Jesus (Who’s a nurse.. and a witch!).

Tara cuts off her extensions then drives off into the night.

Jason has been crowned babysitter of Hotshot when Crystal is kidnapped and Calvin is killed.

Andy considers slippin himself some V

Bill goes to Sookie’s to tell her that Russell, Pam, and Eric have met the “true death”

Eric surprises them both when he shows up telling Sookie that Bill was after her because the Queen knew she was Fae, and he let her get beaten to a bloody pulp by the Ratray’s so she would need his blood to heal.

Sookie rescinds everyone’s invitation and runs to the graveyard to cry to Gran, when Claudine shows up and tells her to join her (who wouldn’t?)

The rest of this article contains spoilers so if you don’t want them, either stop reading now or forever STFU because we don’t want to hear about how we wrecked it for you.

We start by seeing Sookie in Fae with Claudine, Bellhop Barry, Grandpa Stackhouse, Toto and the Tin Man…wait…wrong show…SO, ANYWAY, Gramps offers Sookie some glow-fruit and she tells him it’s a trap, which manages to piss everyone off and some serious business goes down.

Sookie’s Faery Godmother’s brother (Faery goduncle??) takes them to a portal (We thought those disappeared along with Joss Whedon) back to the human realm. Sookie walks back to the house where Jason tells her that her 15 minute foray into never-never land was actually 12 1/2 months!

Everyone is angry with Sookie for her disappearing act, but Vampire Bill-to-the-rescue tells everyone she was away on Vampire business and that’s that. Our hunky Viking, Vampire Eric, shows up to profess his undying faith that Sookie would return but Bill orders him away and Eric LISTENS!? Seems good ol’ Bill Compton has found himself in a place of mucho power.

Over at Merlotte’s we see Sam still has his panties in a twist and mentions he needs to continue anger-management classes. 4 words. Shape-shifting Horse Orgy. Arlene and dead-Renee’s baby, Mikey, seems to be walking in daddy’s footsteps. Barely a year old and is already decapitating barbie dolls. Looks like this kid’s a chip off the old block.

Tara has moved on to a boxing ring and a hot new girlfriend…our only sex scene in the episode *BOOBIE ALERT* but double your pleasure, double your fun – and if you are paying attention at home, that means some steaming hot girl-on-girl action will be had in, and out of the ring. Tara might be keeping secrets from everyone, but her gf is a HOTTIE.. Keep an eye out for a wonderful sight for sore eyes side-boob flash from Sookie. Oh, sweet sweet Sookie.

Our favorite Bon Temps Barney Fife is addicted to V? He needs Lafayette on speed dial! Speaking of Lafayette, Mr. T called, he wants his mohawk back! I heart me some Lafayette, but Jesus’ witch friends are gonna to get him in some serious shit.

And for our 2nd favorite Stackhouse, Jason, now a full-fledged cop is still head-motherfucker-in-charge of Hotshot, bringing food to the hungry (but it didn’t occur to him to pipe in some bathwater for those dirty bastards?). Someone’s out to get him though, and he finds himself conserving air while locked in a mini-freezer.

For our Sookie and Eric fans, I haven’t seen hide nor hair (nor HIDE) of my gorgeous Viking naked, YET, but my sources tell me this will be remedied straight away. Eric owns Sookie’s house now.. does he own Sookie, too? Stay tuned!

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