Movie Review – Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes

Posted by on August 7, 2011 at 2:38 am

Is Rise of the Planet of the Apes a good, action-y prequel to Planet of the Apes or a 90 minute PETA ad in disguise?

I’m not sure IT even knows what it is.

Read on, after the jump

So, here are some details on the film which don’t really drop any more spoilers than you saw in the trailers:

A guy (played by James Franco) is developing an experimental drug. He feeds that drug to a chimp which, in response, gets wicked smart. Skip past some spoilers (And Draco Malfoy) and we get to the part where the monkey is pissed and decides he’s not gonna take it anymore.

At this point, the chimp releases the super sauce upon a whole group of apes because he realizes that they’re all as dumb as…well…a bunch of apes. Right after this, a bunch of monkey business ensues and the apes escape from captivity and commence to flinging poo at everything that moves.

Also, gratuitous use of line from original movie.

So now we have a pack of pissed off apes, running around the city, wrecking shop and creating havoc wherever they go (and why wouldn’t a few dozen smart apes running around a city create a bunch of calamity?) and let me tell you, folks, this ain’t your garden variety monekyshines we’re talking about here, this is parking meter hurling, spear-chucking ass-kickery with a side of right turn, Clyde.

I know what you’re thinking…You’re thinking “Wow, that sounds like a raucous and rowdy fun time, full of beat-downs and gorilla poop” but, unfortunately, that’s mostly far from the truth. The fact of the matter is that it took an hour and 15 minutes of the just-over 90 minute movie to get to anything good. Everything before that was just an animal rights commercial with some “meh” CG. Where the original films were about man’s struggle against the tyranny of the apes, this movie was about the ape’s struggle against the tyranny of man…They flipped the entire script on us.

So, no…I didn’t like it. I felt that it was pretentious and contrived and that the movie capitalized on the name in an effort to release a public service announcement on the evils of animal testing and how we’re going to get what’s coming to us if we keep being mean to our fine, furry friends.

Sorry but that’s not what I signed up for. I came on board to see the monkeys act like jerks and be mean and evil, finally overcoming mankind in some way, to become the dominant force on the planet (of course that’s alluded to at some point but I don’t want allusions and inferences, I want wholesale warfare…deadliest warrior style…with an extra helping of Curious George bitch-slapping people with banana peels). Instead, I got “man, that dudes a dick, I can’t wait for the monkeys to fold him up like a hanky”.


All in all, the effects are ok but the lead ape, “Caesar” isn’t CG-acted very well. His facial expressions are often contrary to what his body posture and actions indicate and he looks way too pissed off in many situations. I think they could have done a better job. The sound effects were decent but there wasn’t anything really hard for them to do so…that’s to be expected. I just don’t see this movie as anything great…or even “good”. Sure it passed the time but I could have phoned in for a mani-pedi, used the hour and a half getting my fingers and toes buffed and rubbed down and been WAY more satisfied at the end without even having to drop an extra 50 for a handski.

I say save your money on this one. It’ll make a fair rental but it’s not worth all the hullabaloo.

5/10 FleshEatingZipper

Don't Keep This a
Secret, Share It

  • Damn, you just ripped it a new one!

    • I’ll be straight up with you, dude…the movie pissed me off. I sat there thinking “what the hell are these people thinking?  Why would they make a planet of the apes movie in which they are trying to make the viewer feel bad for the apes…They’re they fucking ENEMY!”

      It’s like they took the whole idea and flipped it around…as if they’d never heard of the original movies.

      So the entire time I was watching it I was just getting more and more angry and more and more bored because I was also waiting for something to happen.  The first hour and 15 – 20 minutes was little more than setting up an emotional attachment to this chimp and then having Draco Malfoy abuse it for a while, then the chimp putting on his “I’m not gonna take it anymore” suit and dosing the other monkeys, then the monkeys FINALLY escaping from captivity.  After that it was 20 minutes of them running amok but not really doing much but jumping on cars and screaming “eek ook” a bunch of times, breaking some stuff and then running off in to the woods.  

      The only reason I even gave it a 5 was because the effects weren’t completely terrible but the more I think about that movie the more irritated I get because it was just a huge pile of crap.

      See? Now I’m all wound up and I need to go punch something.  THANKS, KEL!

      • Caseysace

         “Why would they make a planet of the apes movie in which they are trying to make the viewer feel bad for the apes…They’re they fucking ENEMY!”

        Don’t know if you’re being ignorant or not, but if you have seen the originals with Heston you would know that it was all about the first chimp to basically say ‘no, fuck you i’m doing things my way’ which by the sound of things is what this film is aiming at showing the viewer.

        They’ve not inverted the script in anyway as chimps were not always the enemy, they become mans best friend then turned on them as they were treated like shit or at least thats how its told in the older films.

        The film itself may be crap but slapping it down because you’re made to feel sorry for chimps being abused is a bit….ridiculous. :)

        • Pshaw! 

          I understand that they’re trying to show us the beginning of the end, so to speak…In fact, if one stays around and watches the ENTIRE movie, there’s even a bit foreshadowing the fall of the human race.  Believe me, I get that.

          What I didn’t like is that they spent more than 3/4 of the movie building up to NOTHING.

          Yes, yes, I know they’re leaving the door open for the next movie, in which the authorities will try to capture / control the damned dirty apes, out in the redwood forest and the damned dirty apes will revolt and kick everyone in the nuts and then we’ll have the beginning of the apeocracy and then in the NEXT movie, the apes will be coming fully into power and will be enslaving and eliminating the human race and then in the movie after that the apes will be running the whole show and small bands of human resistance will be waging a guerilla (pun intended) war against the damned dirty apes and so on, so forth, ad nauseum.

          Again, my point is that they wasted a TON of time building up to absolutely nothing.  They could have either cut a half an hour of crap out of the middle of the movie OR made the movie a half an hour longer and added in 30 more minutes of the apes buttsecksing humans and simultaneously paving the way for the war to come and making us hate the apes, as our mortal enemies instead of going so far out of their way to build sympathy which makes me somewhat fearful that they’re going to continue on along that path and make people out to be the bad guys.

          I firmly stand by my position that they really shat the bed with this film and could have followed a slightly different path toward what would have been a far superior production.

      • Draco Malfoy. Bang on the money. Spilt coffee on meself. LMAO.

      • “”eek ook” a bunch of times, breaking some stuff and then running off in to the woods. ” – Effing hillarious.

  • Good Review! This is that rare summer movie that has brains and emotion
    in addition to the spectacle. It is also such a great film that it makes
    us forget about the 2001 piece of junk that Tim Burton tried to do but
    actually failed. Check out my review when you can!

    • I don’t think you read our review bro.

      • Yeah, I’m thinking he didn’t.  Random post fail.

        • Frank

          Awww poor Dan. I guess he just tries to see the good in everything and by “try” I mean tries too hard. lol

  • Spoilers.

    Caesar is home. Whaaaaaa ?