This Is Our Review For The New iPad. It Is Exactly The Same As All The Others.

Posted by on March 15, 2012 at 1:30 am

This is all so stupid. Starting last night, every last venue on the internet is going to acquire (or be given, if your last name ends in Mossberg and begins with Walt) a new iPad for review. And they’re going to universally praise it. And they’re going to say the exact same things about the exact same stuff. Every single time. So these thousands of outlets march in unison to say the exact same thing about a product that everyone’s already going to buy. So what’s so cool about this new iPad? Should you buy it? Chances are, you’ve already made that decision. Months ago. So why not read our review, in which we have no iPad at all? Let’s just say… it’ll be educational.

Okay, so this new iPad launches tomorrow, March 16th in tons of countries. It’s the follow-up to the first two iPads, which did pretty okay for Apple, so they’ve followed up by making yet another one. Some assume it’ll be an annual thing.

It looks like a white or black tablet with tapered edges (again (it really looks almost identical)).
It comes in 16GB, 32GB, and 64GB configurations (again).
It retails for the same price (again).

The new iPad will be more powerful, but only slightly moreso than last gen’s, which was a leap over the previous. Your old games will work on it. Your old crap will work on it, too. Why did you download that stupid ruler app? Did you really thing you’d need to measure things that much? New games will work great on the new iPad and then crappy on your old one. You’ll buy this to replace your old one and keep the old one around because you always wanted to buy a $500 tablet and then mount it on your wall after a year or two and have it fade between pictures of your pets. That’s a great idea. The interface will be smooth and it will continue to have one button. There will be updates, you can download them.

The retina display will make your mind goggle. What does that even mean? It’s revolutionary. Take those pixels you can’t see well I can, because and then make them invisible. You can’t see the pixels on the screen. Do you even know what a retina is? It makes the pixels smaller. I think it’s a spider. You can’t see them. Various web sites are going to praise the display and then shoot video of the display, but technology won’t even let you see the pixels you can’t see. That’s how magical this whole thing is.

The new iPad comes with new apps you can buy, because those are cool, especially if they’re cheap, which these certainly are. You should buy them. Twice if you could. You can use Apple’s Photoshop and do all your crappy filters if you want. I don’t care. Bump up the contrast and douse it with sepia. The new iPad lets you do that. Do you like apps? iPad will have them (again).

You can buy a version with LTE. What’s that? Makes your iPad download faster. Planning on taking it everywhere? You might be mugged, I’d advise against it. Just stick to the wi-fi.

The iPad comes with an awesome new camera. Who takes photos with a tablet? You. If you’re an idiot.

John Gruber will love it. The Verge loves it. Walt Mossberg will love it. You’ll love it, even moreso if you didn’t already buy a previous model (you do need a new picture frame…). Everyone will give it nines and tens, Apple will make billions of dollars, iTunes will still completely blow, and no one will buy Apple TVs despite how ridiculously hard they try and repeatedly fail.

You could’ve gone to twelve sites and read a bunch of mouthblah for this exact same information, but you came here. You’re a hero.

The End.

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