Are You Prepared For The Zombie Apocalypse?

Posted by on August 30, 2011 at 5:02 pm

As many are aware, Ali Khan – the Assistant Surgeon General – released a blog post through the Centers for Disease Control a few months ago in which he discussed being prepared for a zombie apocalypse.

While most of the people who read that post probably scoffed and thought “What a bunch of hogwash”, the CDC is super serious about making sure we’re prepared for any serious emergency.

If you were one of those people giggling away and questioning the sanity of people at the CDC while reading that blog post, you might want to take a moment alone and ask yourself “what am I going to do when I wake up one morning, have my shower and toast and walk out to hop in the car, only to find scores of the walking dead tearing ass all over my neighborhood, putting the zombie-chomp on every living thing that gets in their way?”

Well, if you’re not prepared I can go ahead and answer that question for you.

You’ll get buttsexed. Hard. By dead people. Then you’ll either end up as zombie poo or you’ll become one of those dead people and you’ll head out in a mindless zombie stupor and commence to buttsexing every living thing you come in contact with. Then, eventually, you’ll run into someone like me and take a round in the face.

D’OH! You just got buttsexed again…

So what can you do to avoid all of these unpleasant incidents of dry anal-rape? It’s simple…you can be prepared.

Over the next few pages, I’ll give you some tips that may just help you avoid the unpleasant impact of zombie teeth on your jugular vein and, if you’re a good little student, can turn you into a zombie killing machine, ready to strike against those stinking, rotting bags of humanity-eating hellspawn with no remorse and, once they’re all reduced to puddles of hair, teeth and putrid ooze you can move on to finding some young survivalist hottie and getting down to the business of repopulating the planet.

Yes, that means if you pay attention here, you may ACTUALLY get laid. Listen up, Skippy.

The first thing you need to be aware of is this – when the maggot marauders start walking the streets, you’re going to end up with one of two possible outcomes; Survivor or Statistic. Make sure you take the time to prepare and you have a very good possibility of being a survivor which, as we discussed a moment ago, dramatically increases your likelihood of scoring some tail.

This is not the 3-some you’re looking for…Move along.

So how do we go about making sure that we end up 0n the survivor side of the coin? First, we plan.

Making a plan doesn’t mean looking at yourself in the mirror, with your shirt off, making your war-face and screaming about how you’re going to bust a bunch of zombies in the domepiece with an aluminum bat when the world goes to hell in a handcart. It means coming up with a viable, long-term survival plan which will allow you to avoid harm (and by harm I mean getting your nuts bitten off) while not putting yourself in a box where you’ll eventually run out of resources and die.

You’re screwed – Hang yourself.

Yep…when the zombie apocalypse comes (and this is true in just about any cataclysmic event survival scenario) you don’t want to be around large metropolitan areas and you damned sure don’t want to hole your sorry ass up in a shoebox mall where you’re nothing but a little swimmer in a big fishbowl, waiting for the big bad shark to come put toothmarks in your ass. You want to be out in a nice secluded area where you’re far away from the looters and the robbers and the rapists and the undead horde.

You want to avoid this at all costs.

Find a spot, make sure you take weather and resources into consideration, find a group of people who also don’t want to have their eyeballs sucked on like a crawdad platter and make plans to get there alive and un-munched.

These are EXACTLY the guys you want to hang with. You may still get raped but you probably won’t get eaten…probably…may be a good idea to work on your squealing skills…and banjo.

You and your friends should decide who is going to be responsible for which resources (shelter, food, gear, etc…) and then you should make sure you take the responsibility and put aside enough resources for yourself because it’s just about guaranteed at least one of those pricks is going to forget half the shit they’re supposed to bring with them because they were too busy loading up beer and sandwich meat and now they’re going to come crying to you when their tummy starts rumbling because they puked up the last of the pastrami on rye after a 2 day bender on Pabst Blue Ribbon and Night Train.


That brings us to the next part ; we prepare.

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