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Movie Review: The Eagle

Posted by on February 21, 2011 at 1:06 pm

The Eagle

I took some time to go and watch The Eagle, the new Roman Legion flick starring Channing Tatum and, as I am apt to do, I’m going to go ahead and review it for you!

It’s times like this when I really hope our readers appreciate the hell we put ourselves through in order to bring all of you the news and reviews we present because that’s exactly what watching this movie was. Hell.

Let me start by saying that Channing Tatum shouldn’t be allowed to speak on camera…Ever. His acting is about as good as that of a moldy dishrag (sorry, dishrags) and the roles he seems to find himself in only help to expose his shortcomings as an actor.

Mostly because he has lines.

In this case, though, it wasn’t just Channing Tatum that made this movie crap, it was everything. The script was crap, the cinematography was crap, the acting was crap, the story was crap, the choreography was crap…just about the only thing that wasn’t crap was when the end credits rolled. That was the best part of the movie.

So, if you’re unfamiliar with the story, it’s about a guy whose dad was a Roman Legionary. Daddy was running the 9th legion at the border of Britain and got his ass kicked. The ass kickers stole (queue dramatic music) the golden eagle *DUM DUM DUUUUUUUUUUM* and brought shame upon his family’s name. SOOOOO…now the son, played by Mr. Tatum, goes on a quest to retrieve the eagle and restore honor to Rome and his family name.

With all of the movies out, lately, about the Roman empire and all it encompassed you would think that new releases on the subject would at least strive to be of the same quality as the rest of the movies on the subject but this one didn’t even seem interested in reaching the bar, let alone raising it. I was very unimpressed and would really like to get back the time I spent watching it so I could use it for much more enjoyable activities, like nailing my feet to the floor or running naked through a mile of saw-grass and diving into a pool of alcohol.

It’s not the worst movie I’ve seen but it’s on the short list. I say give this one a pass.

3/10 FleshEatingZipper

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