Nathan Fillion in a vampire movie? SAY IT AIN’T SO!!
As many of our readers will recall right away, I’m not a huge fan of vampires and vampire movies – I’m more of a zombie guy – but this one features Gerard Butler, Jeri Ryan, Jennifer Esposito, Johnny Lee Miller and, yes, Nathan Fillion which meant I had to watch it.
I kept expecting Adam Baldwin and Gina Torres to pop out and kick some vampire ass but, alas, it wasn’t meant to be.
So the story starts out with…I’m not gonna tell you. What I am going to say is that Dracula is unwittingly released sometime last Thursday in the year 2000 which is at least 100 years since he got buried alive at the hands of his arch nemesis, Abraham Van Helsing.
Needless to say, going so long without any lovin’ – or even a cheeseburger – has him REALLY pissed off and he’s ready to go chomp-chomp-chompin’ his way through the 21st century on a mission to find Van Helsing’s daughter and bite her which, according to this story’s particulars, would turn her into some sort of super-vamp with whom he would rule the universe with an iron fist.
Or something like that.
I had a lot of trouble following this film. Not because it was overly complex but because the story just wasn’t very well told. There’s all kinds of strange dream sequences and flashbacks and inconsistencies which make the movie very cluttered and disorganized. One minute we’re watching a vampire come back to life after being shot in the heart with a silver spike by someone who was just kicked across a garage so hard their body knocked over a dumpster (hello, massive internal trauma) and then the movie will change to a sequence of Van Helsing’s daughter having some sort of waking dream about Dracula pursuing her.
The expression that comes to mind is “cluster fuck”. That’s the best way I can think to quantify it.
On the other hand, we have Jeri Ryan and Jennifer Esposito who are both hot as hell. They provide an ample supply of eye candy throughout, often wearing low cut tops which accentuate their cleavage rather well. Unfortuantely, neither of them get naked though there is a quick flash of boobies from one of the other supporting females. At least there’s that.
All in all this movie was very “meh”. When I was able to grab ahold of what was going on, it would only serve to reinforce how jumbled up mediocre the presentation was. I suppose if you’re a die-hard vampire fan or you’re dying for a 3 second flash of boobs, you may enjoy it but I didn’t get much of a kick out of it at all.
Also, be aware that even though it’s billed as “Wes Craven’s Dracula 2000” I could only find him listed as an “executive producer” which means he really didn’t have anything to do with the production of the movie, at all, he just had his name on it for the sake of recognition. He was probably in charge of ensuring the bottled water was kept cold. LoL, marketing.
You guys owe me for this one.