Man Vs. Wild came out in 2006, under a number of different names; Man Vs. Wild – AKA Born Survivor : Bear Grylls – AKA Ultimate Survival – AKA Survival Game. When the show premiered, the producers went out of their way to give the impression that Bear was left all-but-stranded in remote locations and had to get himself out. I watched a few episodes of that show but it really bored me, back then. I tried to watch a few more episodes over the last several days and it didn’t bore me but I think I had half a dozen episodes of sympathetic gut-chucking.
Back in the beginning of the show, of course, anyone with half a brain and an IQ slightly higher than that of an old tire knew that he was there with a crew. Very much unlike Les Stroud’s series “Survivorman” – in which Les was solo and operating cameras, narrating, pathfinding, getting food, etc…on his own – Bear had a full crew of camera people with him.
What we didn’t know, at first, was that he also had another crew with him.
It eventually came out that Bear traveled with a full safety crew including area experts, medics, guides, survival trainers, a pack llama, manicurist, 2 bellhops and a fluffer named “Candi”.
When it hit the public that he traveled with all of these people, and accusations started flying that he would spend nights in a motel, the fecal matter hit the rotary oscillator with a force and velocity that would make Oppenheimer’s nuts crawl up into his belly. People all over the world sat, mouths agape with disbelief as as they discovered that Bear Grylls – Black belt, special forces guy, member of the French foreign legion – was so full of that same fecal matter that he could sneeze and fertilize an entire rain forest.
At one point, Bear had this to say – “Episodes take about ten days to tape, explains Grylls: “The night stuff is all done for real. But when I’m not filming I stay with the crew in some sort of base camp.”
When he says “base camp”, I’m pretty sure he means “presidential suite”.
He also said – “press accusations of motels and stagings in the show that have been doing the rounds, all I can say is they don’t always tell the full story, but that’s life and part of being in the public eye I guess.”
I’m thinking “don’t always tell the full story” means “they weren’t motels, they were RESORTS, bitch! Silk sheets and champagne brunches!”
What this really means is that Bear survived 2 things; Rest and Relaxation. Sure he’d wander around during the day and cry about being hungry and thirsty but any time he wasn’t on camera he was (more than likely) being fed fresh food and water…He was never in any real sort of danger. At night, it was a different story. He would retire to the “base camp” with the crew and hang out with them, most likely awing them with stories of when he broke his back in a skydiving accident or that time he tapped that little hottie after the first time he failed Special Forces selection.
That “base camp”, at the very worst of times, would most certainly consist of tents, fires, gas stoves, lanterns, water, food, maps, comfy chairs, medicine and band-aids and probably even the occasional beer along with discussions about what Bear would be doing the next day.
In the aftermath of the revelation that Bear isn’t the survival messiah, the show’s producers changed the script a little bit and all of a sudden, the show became less about Bear surviving in the wild and more about Bear eating some really disgusting things.
In the last several seasons, Bear has had to eat grubs, crickets, lizards, snakes, maggots, frogs, live fish, undercooked rabbits, caterpillars, roaches, beetles, a pigmy and a #3 with extra onions from Jack’s Snack Shack. He’s had to squeeze camel poo to get water from it (directly in to his mouth) and drink from all kinds of clearly contaminated water sources. It’s a damned good thing he has a medical team around because I’m sure they need to pump him so full of antibiotics, on a daily, to kill 3 mules.
I can practically hear the production meetings, now.
Producer: Bear, in this next episode, we’re going to need you to suck the predigested antelope meat from a dead lion’s anus.
Producer: Look you overhyped limey prick. You either suck on that lion’s asshole or you can go right back to trying to join the foreign legion, where we found you.
Bear: ok :(
In the picture at the top of this article, you can see Bear biting a chunk of raw meat from a dead zebra. Not only is that completely disgusting but it’s also such a put on that it makes me want to kick Mr. Grylls in the sack. Any time bear eats something nasty, he makes such a big deal about how nasty it is that any sane or moral man would be put off their dinner. When he eats bugs, he goes out of his way to crunch them around and let bits of wings and legs hang out of his mouth. When he eats large grubs he’ll hang them out of his mouth and let the guts dribble down his chin while he complains about how it tastes like “a bunch of bogeys”. Bear…How, exactly, do you know what a bunch of bogeys tastes like, hmm?
So the show isn’t about survival in the wild anymore, it’s about surviving through eating a bunch of stuff that’s so foul it could knock a buzzard off a gut wagon and taking care to disgust all of the viewers in the process. I have an ultra-strong stomach (I live in Arizona and have been eating Mexican food for years) and I can’t even stand to watch half the time he eats that crap.
To Bear Grylls, I’d like to say this – Where’s your pride gone, man? You’re supposed to be a survival expert and you’ve let them turn you into a circus freak. You’re like the contemporary “bearded lady”, only they should call you “the nasty stuff eating man”. They may as well pay you $5 a show to lick cream-filled poocicles in front of rednecks, bored housewives and bratty, snot-nosed kids.
Here’s a bit of advice for ya, Bear. When your next contract negotiation comes up, grow a pair of giblets and you tell THEM to go suck on a jungle cat’s sphincter. Then, go out and make a show about actually surviving in survival situations and stop squishing grub guts around in your mouth and dribbling them down your chest. Seriously.