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Movie Review – The Three Musketeers – With Some Spoilers

Posted by on October 23, 2011 at 8:30 am

I’ve always been a fan of The Three Musketeers…their struggle against corruption, greed, tyranny and drunken debauchery. The characters of Porthos, Athos, Aramis and D’artagnan have entertained me for hours upon hours of reading and watching films.

When I found out there was a new Three Musketeers movie being released, I was very cautiously optimistic.

Then I saw it.

I realized, about 10 minutes into the film, my caution was well warranted. The movie started on a low note and just kept sinking from there.

Let me start off by saying that I have been a fan of Matthew Macfadyen for quite a while. I like his style and solid acting. Seeing that Orlando bloom was in the movie added some hope to the formula because, let’s face it, he’s a big name actor. The thing that made me the most afraid was Milla Jovovich who, in my opinion, is just about the worst actor that ever cursed Hollywood, and I feel like she should have been put out to pasture a long time ago. The only movie I liked her in was The Fifth Element and that was only because she didn’t talk much and what talking she DID do was mostly nonsense, anyway. Just as she should be cast.

Well, she doesn’t disappoint, in this movie. Nope, no disappointment for me, at all. She was just as crappy as I thought she would be.

There’s also the issue of the completely unbelievable, totally unrealistic, blatantly anachronistic and utterly foolish technology put to use as part of the story. A flying ship? Deadly sharp monofilament lines used “Mission: Impossible” style (well, it’s been used to death in a lot of movies) as a security measure, James Bond flavored fall arresters, complex traps and hidden mechanically unfurling staircases…It all came together to form a hodge-podge of useless crap and unnecessary special effects.

Then, of course, there’s the wire work. We all know that NOBODY can jump in the air, spin around 5 times whilst swinging a sword and knock people all over the place, then land and proceed to kill a bunch of armed guards with a rapier. What I don’t understand is why directors love to use this crap so much. We KNOW it’s wire work. We KNOW it’s impossible. We KNOW it makes your movie look stupid.

Stop.

Then there’s the plot. Somewhat, kind of, almost, maybe, sorta, not really related to the original story at all. It was utter garbage…definitely the worst interpretation of classic literature in the history of mankind. It’s like they took the key plot elements as a foundation and built upon it with walls of 100% pure bullshit. I mean ACTUAL poop, too. The stinky stuff. I’m surprised the actors didn’t all walk around with grimaces on their faces through the entire film, from the smell of the crap they were having to act out.

I have a rule. Any time I get up and walk out of a movie, I’m going to wreck it in review. This one, I got up and walked out of about 75% of the way through because, honestly, I couldn’t take any more of it. The sheer stupidity of the whole thing actually made me angry and I figured I could better spend my time doing something much more productive. Like shaving my liver with a garden weasel or giving myself a nitro-glycerin enema and then riding a unicycle off a building.

Don’t watch this movie. If you do, and you hang yourself halfway through the second act, don’t say you weren’t warned.

3/10 FleshEatingZipper

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