The Jerk Theory Review – Should’ve Kept This Film In The Vault

Posted by on June 18, 2012 at 8:19 am

Look. If you send us movies, chances are good that we’ll review them. Yes, I’m talking to you, the guy with the ABC Family reject high school romance film that was produced five years ago (our lovely lady lead brandishes an original iPhone, for instance) and has spent the subsequent time since sitting in a moisture-free locker. Yeah, we’re still gonna give it a look over. So, here it is: skip this movie. Still not sufficiently warned? Read on…

It’s hard to call The Jerk Theory a film, it’s more like a series of scenes. Things happen. People exist. Our sparkly protagonist (Josh Henderson) is the head of a “rock group” who plays “really awesome” pop music and keeps getting booked to gigs where the same A&R guy keeps popping up, hoping to sign them. He’s in a Catholic high school, a haven populated by other 28-year olds portraying juniors and seniors wearing halter tops and low-cut shirts, which makes sense, so I’m sure he’ll have plenty of time to recover his spirits when his group is ultimately rejected for lacking “soul”. The soundtrack is also Josh Henderson’s first album, but in glancing at the credits, all of the music appears to have been ghost-written and performed by a mysterious Alex Dynes. Pop music, amirite?

I’m not sure what happened to Tom Arnold’s career, aside from destructive alcohol and substance abuse, but he steals the movie as the affable and bungling priest here. And by ‘steal the movie’, I mean David toppling Goliath, if Goliath were already dead and buried (yeah, that’s the best metaphor I had on hand, folks). I can’t recall seeing any other collared workers, so Tom may have literally been ‘the man on campus’ as he sheepishly tries to explain sex ed and tend to his flock. I’m kinda glad the movie’s over because I think it’d be great to have a drink with the man, something I couldn’t do while actually watching the film, and really explore his creative potential… ditto for Danny Bonaduce, who portrays himself for a paycheck.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, the movie, I guess. So Josh Henderson’s character was a nice guy and kept getting passed over by women, so he became a Jerk, hence the Theory. One of his unnecessary bandmates follows him with a camera for the only purpose of resolving a crazy! romantic! misunderstanding! in the third act that you saw from the first, because of course. After a hot streak of meeting tons of beautiful women and hanging out at dry bars and dry parties (because high school), he falls for The One Girl who will get him to flip back.

Look, I warned you.

4/10 FleshEatingZipper

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