I know my parents love me because I didn’t grow up watching WWE (or WWF, as it was called back then). Oh, don’t get me wrong, I watched a lot of terrible kids’ programming as a young’in, but I knew, deep down, I was still better off because I wasn’t watching “wrestling”. When I was challenged to my first fight in the fifth grade (no, it wasn’t really a fight, it was more like a ‘push the other kid out of an arbitrary space’ kinda thing), my opponent’s hype man handed me a piece of notebook paper with BRET THE HITMAN HART scrawled across it with a bulls eye, as if some kind of earth-shattering threat. (Later, he quietly wandered back to my desk and asked for it back so he could erase the vile design and use it for the afternoon’s math test.) He had, in effect, mortally wounded me, like a splinter to the mind, but only ironically: I still have no idea what the hell any of it means.
When I got my first job, I asked again what all of this meant. “It’s a soap opera for men,” one explained, which had to be the worst idea I’d ever heard of.
“What’s in this drink? It tastes funny.”
“Oh, it’s poison.”
“Right, that makes se-”
I’ve never mustered the courage to watch a full WWE event because the few snippets I have caught simply blew my mind. Men here, because it is mostly men, act, but they are terrible actors, out comical storylines that don’t make sense. Everyone gets a championship belt and then they lose it. Or they get two. Then there’s a guy with a wig, and there’s music, but then there’s this other thing? I don’t know, I’m getting dizzy just thinking about it. The WWE made the most sense when its “wrestlers” transcended their humble sweaty-men-in-tights origins and entered the mainstream. Look at these graduates, for instance:
Terry “Hulk Hogan” Bollea moved on from the WWE to star in a series of shitty movies, his career recovering only slightly in WWE rematches long after his fame had faded.
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin moved on from the WWE to star in a series of shitty movies, his career recovering only slightly in WWE rematches long after his fame had faded.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson moved on from the WWE to star in a series of shitty movies, his career recovering only slightly in WWE rematches long after his fame had faded.
John “John Cena” Cena moved on from the WWE to star in a series of shitty movies, his career recovering only slightly in WWE rematches long after his fame had faded.
Tonight was perhaps the most special of nights for the WWE, with RAW’s 1,000th episode. Titled appropriately, RAW 1000. I searched the Twittersphere for answers and recovered only frightening results.
…well, I concede. I will never break through this tangled web of… melodramatic testosterone? Whimsical calamity? Magical dosage of WTF? WWE fans, you can continue to have WWE. It’s all yours. I make no changes.