Assassin’s Bullet Review: Christian Slater Is All You Need

Posted by on August 29, 2012 at 9:45 am

Waking Up Captain Sulu to Pistol Model: The Life Of Christian Slater

Despite what the cover would have you believe, American actors Christian Slater and Donald Sutherland are actually secondary characters in this film about a Neo-themed assassin. Look, I’m just going to spoil the whole thing for you: the story is really about the split personalities of said assassin, who is at other times a belly dancer and still others a fragile English teacher. The title also doesn’t pay credit to the premise either. The original marque, Sofia, was ditched to, I guess, appeal to us Westerners who need their Daily Dose of Slater-Sutherland, but it doesn’t really pay much tribute to the premise of the film. I only say this up front because Assassin’s Bullet isn’t a bad movie at all, it’s just not a good one. It just hovers there.

Slater lives in Sofia, Bulgaria and as we’re shown in several plainly-dressed scenes, is an alcoholic from New York who’s getting over the death of his wife. Sound familiar? But Slater isn’t going to spend the whole movie sulking, he’s quickly recruited by U.S. Ambassador Sutherland to investigate the bloody trail left by the aforementioned Assassin and her Bullets. It quickly becomes apparent that the local authorities are in on the whole affair and as it turns out, the whole thing is built around the assassin and her personalities. In fact, by the end of the film, you realize that Slater was only employed by the film in to unravel the assassin’s mystery and doesn’t really need to exist in here at all. In fact, his presence almost seems dopey. I’m not saying Slater is dopey. I didn’t say it!

While we feel out the various assassin’s personalities, including her origin as the victim of a terrible Muslim-wrought suicide bombing, and how they interact with Slater, she spends little time actually killing people. In fact, actress Elika Portnoy is firmly from the class of Keanu Reeves, in which the harder she tries to be sincere and genuine, the less it works, and the more she comes off as robotic and lifeless, the better. Also, Slater Sex Scenes. And the film’s a bit of a slog at times. The director is obsessed with zooming and out of slightly different camera angles in a terrible attempt to look cool that screams ‘this movie would’ve starred DMX if he weren’t in jail’ and everything about the production reeks of cheap. Oh well.

Assassin’s Bullet isn’t a terrible waste of your time, but it’s hardly worth it, either. Meanwhile, why isn’t Christian Slater in every single movie? I mean, literally, all of them? Don’t you remember Broken Arrow? That was awesome.

5/10 FleshEatingZipper

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