Tom Hardy To Play Sam Fisher In Splinter Cell Movie

Posted by on November 14, 2012 at 9:43 pm

You’d better not hose this up, Hardy!

Righteous indignation. This is the best way I can describe what I felt when I learned at E3 that Michael Ironside would not be voicing Sam Fisher in the latest Splinter Cell game. Seething nerd rage is what I felt when I found out why…

Because they needed someone young and fit for the role because they needed to do mo-cap. WHAT?! You’re not mocapping his voice, you slack-jawed morons!

Now, I am hearing he’ll have nothing to do with the film, either? Wow.

In the history of voice acting 3 mistakes have been made which, by compare, make every other mistake in the history of our galaxy look insignificant. Those 3 mistakes, in no particular order are:

  • Removing Ron Perlman from the narration of the Fallout series
  • Allowing that Canadian comedian to voice Commander Shepard in the Mass Effect series
  • Removing Michael Ironside from the role of Sam Fisher in Splinter Cell

Of course the Ron Perlman thing has been sorted out. Bethesda was wise enough to know that without Ron, their release in the fallout franchise would flop like a flounder on a hot sidewalk. They got Ron to lend his silky chords to the title and it sold like hotcakes.

The Mass Effect thing? Well, those morons had 3 releases to sort that one out but never did. What were they thinking? If you put a kazoo up a frog’s ass and gave it mouth to mouth, the resultant squawking noise would have been infinitely more believable as the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy than Mark Meer. Seriously, I hope that guy is a better comedian than he is a voice actor.

And now they cut Michael Ironside from Splinter Cell because they can’t figure out how to dub his voice over the top of a CGI animation mo-capped from someone else’s body? Yeah, I wanted to choke the shit out of someone when I heard that.

So now the Splinter Cell movie is coming out and it seems we’re getting yet another actor who looks and sounds about as much like Michael Ironside as my ugly bald ass does like Cindy Crawford…when she was 8. Somehow, we’re expected to not recognize this guy as having been in “The Warrior” and “Dark Knight Rises” and “Inception” and, again, somehow we’re supposed to not realize that he’s from FUCKING ENGLAND!!!


Look, the world has been hit with so many really shitty movie renditions of popular video games recently that if they don’t do this one a LOT of justice, I may just drown myself. Seriously.

It’s balls.

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