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Christmas Music – O’ Holy CRAP!

Posted by on December 3, 2012 at 7:46 pm

In the meadow, we can build a snow man…Then pretend that he is SHUT THE HELL UP!

Yes, folks, it’s that time of year again. The time when the leftover turkey is dwindling down to nothing, the kiddies are thinking of little else but the time they will be allowed to open all the presents which will be under the tree and, in many parts of the world, the snow is falling and covering everything in a gorgeous white blanket.

And, of course, the radio waves are filled to the brim with Christmas music…

Let’s talk about that for a moment. It’s now the third of December. 3 weeks until Christmas happens. And the radio waves are filled to the brim with Christmas music…3 weeks before Christmas…And it started 3 weeks ago.

I remember the days when Christmas music didn’t start until a couple of weeks before Christmas and even then it was slightly more annoying than having a roofing nail shoved into your eyeball with a filthy pair of pliers…I mean, what IS this crap, anyway? Christmas music? Why don’t we have Halloween music or Thanksgiving music or Veteran’s day music that plays for a month and a half before the holiday? I mean, the last I checked, Veterans were pretty important, right?

And half the songs aren’t even about Christmas…They’re about doing stuff in the snow!

Jingle bells? Really? It’s about riding in a sleigh, through the snow, being drawn by a horse which has had its tail chopped off and now has bells hanging from the stump. What relevance does this have to Christmas, hmm? Other than the fact that it’s done in the snow, which implies Christmas time, which is roughly when Christmas happens, there’s no relevance at all. If you live in the Southwestern United States, you can’t ride a sleigh through the snow because there’s no snow. I mean, imagine trying to get a jingling, mutilated horse to draw a sleigh through the snow in Phoenix…Not gonna happen.

And what if you live in Iceland or you’re one of those researchers who live in Antarctica? Well, you could get the chopped up equine to drag you through the frost and snow, then, but it wouldn’t really be relevant because it could be July, couldn’t it?

Go ahead and let’s chuck that one in the bin, now.

And what about Silent Night? This is a song which is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus but they clearly have their story all jacked up, don’t they? Silent Night? How could it possibly be SILENT? A VIRGIN was giving birth and you’re telling me that’s going to be silent? Yeah, about as silent as a cat being beat with a golf cleat…the old style – with the metal spikes. Then they say “All is calm, all is bright”. Calm? The virgin has just pushed a child from inside of her and it’s going to be CALM? Between her agonized shrieks and the squealing of the baby, who is certainly experiencing respiratory distress from all the incense burning around him, that place is going to be anything but calm.

And bright? IT WAS NIGHT TIME, YOU MORONS!!!

And another one! Frosty the snow man. Have you seen the cartoon? HE DIES AT THE END! Oh, yeah, that’s a great song to sing to kids; Hey, kids, let’s all sing a song about a jolly old snowman who comes to life, brings joy to a bunch of kids, and then melts, because that’s not depressing at all, is it? And we wonder why we have so many people running around with chronic depression and bipolar disorder.

The point I’m getting at here is that Christmas songs are stupid. Sure, I understand that some of them are performed in the context of honoring one’s deity and I guess I can live with that part just let’s knock it off with interrupting my morning show with a bunch of idiots singing about snow, yes?

And carolers…stay away. I have a big bucket of ice water waiting for you.

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