Pickled Pigmy Peckers, L.A. Noire Is Finally Out!!!

Posted by on May 17, 2011 at 7:15 am

I got the game.

I got it home.

I put it in the 360, fired it up and the intro music started.

I blew out 3 pairs of skivvies.

More after the jump.

Yeah, man…the slick ass jazz that flooded out of the surround when the game hit the title screen was drool inducing. Andrew Hale straight up beat my ass…AT THE TITLE SCREEN.

Oh my…Click play, below, and listen while you read…seriously…

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L.A. Noire “Main Theme” – Andrew Hale

Now, let’s flash back 150 minutes. I’m pulling up in front of Game Stop, where there’s a launch event happening. I score a spot near the front door, hop off my vroom-vroom, score a couple photos of the chalk outlines and some reps in retro-gear and am greeted by one of the Game Stop folks.

Chalk Outline

Is that the outline of a body or part of a tutorial on how to ninja-punch someone in the trachea?

The retro patrol

Handcuffs, anyone?

The guy who approached me was wearing an L.A. Noire t-shirt and the engineer in me immediately kicked into “solve a problem” mode while I tried to figure out how large and heavy an object I would have to hit him with to knock him unconscious so I could gaffle his shirt while making sure he didn’t end up in the morgue and I didn’t end up in the buttsex suite at the state hotel.

I determined that a 3.2 pound block of granite or a 4.8 pound 2×4, approximately 31 inches in length would suffice but the dude was pretty cool so I decided to let him keep his shirt.

Besides, his last name was Midnight.

Midnight? Seriously? That’s like the best last name EVER! My undies get moist even THINKING about having that last name. Do you know how much sex I would be having if that was my last name? It’s INCONCEIVABLE!

So I chilled out, chatted with some folks, listened to some guy talk about his girlfriend (though, from the looks of him, I think “girlfriend” means “gramma’s cat”) and waited for the shindig to kick off. Unfortunately it never really did. The people from GS told me they’d done a grip of pre-orders and were expecting a blow-out but it seems everyone was just being a bunch of vaginas and didn’t want to brave a crowd for the release night fun so the poor employees, there, are probably getting their anuses buttered up and rammed with cheese-grater condoms right now. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE…GET OUT OF THE HOUSE FROM TIME TO TIME!!!

While I was there, though, I got to chat with some of the GS reps about upcoming game releases like ME3, MW3 (Which I pre-ordered) and BF3 and I decided that I want to liberate this L.A. Noire POP from GS.

Oh, it WILL be mine...

Now to just engineer a device that will cut the top off the store and snatch it out of there without getting busted.

After plotting on THAT one for a while, midnight rolled around (the time, not the dude with the L.A. Noire t-shirt and the last name that makes women make sloshy noises when they walk) and I scooped up my copy of the game.

At this point I’m about 40 mins or so in to the game and I need to get to it so I’m going to send this article off to the presses and play me some cops-n-robbers. It’s 0-dark-30 here but you noobs won’t see it until morning…because time travel…

Review is imminent.

Stay tuned.

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  • MIDNIGHT__21

    Cheese grater. . check   silica sand with petrol jell .  .check  .  5 cups of coffee .   .   . . . . . . …… chc h check.  MIDNIGHT getting cornholed by next day kiddies not allowed to come to the GS without parental to play 1940’s juice inducing sexy time rocksatr masterpiece . .  .  .priceless  oh yea btw  Heeeyyy ladies !  

    • aaahahahaha…Ladies and Gentlemen, the unfortunately-anally-widened-by-the-tweeners-whose-parents-wouldn’t-let-them-out-of-the-house-for-the-R*-party-because-they-might-have-accidentally-seen-some-tits Mr. Midnight is in the house.  He is, at this very moment, folded up under the counter at GS, sucking his thumb, sobbing violently and wishing he’d brought a 3rd change of draws with him, whilst soccer mom after frappuccino sipping soccer mom escorts their mouth-breathing megadork child up to the counter to pick up L.A. Noire and pre-order MW3 (because they’re giving away posters with the pre-order right now).

      If we could all please lower our heads for a moment of silence.