Grand Theft Auto V Revealed. I Want It! …Maybe?

Posted by on November 2, 2011 at 8:33 pm

If you visited a gaming site today, you’d know that Rockstar released the first trailer for its new blockbuster Grand Theft Auto game. What do you mean you didn’t? Well, we included it after the break just in case. So now I’m both excited and depressed by it for reasons not terribly dissimilar to my article about Grand Theft Auto 3. Some are screaming cries of joy for this game and mine could not be more mixed. There’s plenty to like in what we’ve seen and there’s plenty to be cautious about considering aspects of the last iteration of the series. I’ll break it all down after the break as well!


– It’s a Grand Theft Auto game. I’m going to own it either way. There’s going to be an unparalleled level of polish and action here that we’ve come to expect from Rockstar titles.
– Los Santos. San Andreas is the only game in the series I haven’t put hours and hours into, but I’m pretty happy to have rolling hills and mountains instead of exclusively urban jungle like previous titles.
– It’s Grand Theft Auto. You jack cars and kill people. What more do you really need? Well, except…
– A thrilling narrative. You’re an older guy (possibly Tommy Vercetti?) trying to get out of the game and you get lassoed back in. At any rate, it looks much more interesting than Niko Bellic’s ‘I come from war-torn second world country to screw with dudes!’
– It’ll look pretty.


– A pretentious narrative that harps on decent gangster flicks too much. At the core of recent GTA games is a super-dramatic storyline that takes itself way too seriously. This isn’t Oscar-stuff, this is HBO stuff, but with the ‘serious’ cranked to 11. At points it’s enjoyable, at others it’s like they’re just trying too hard to impress ‘Game isn’t Art’ people. I don’t care what you thought of 3 or Vice City back in the day, they do not look like storylines that have withstood the test of time now.
– A game that isn’t that much fun. On top of a super-serious narrative, Rockstar is looking to once again ape GTA4 by including a lot of stuff that just isn’t much fun to play. Why does anyone need to go to a gym or go on dates or eat on a regular basis to enjoy a sandbox game? C’mon now.
– No flying jumbo jets. Srsly, why not.
– No co-op. Saints Row says ‘hi’.
– Multiplayer that gets old fast. Yeah, holding Liberty City hostage with a gang of crooks was fun for a weekend, then I never played it again.

Look, the game’s going to sell 20 million copies (mostly on Xbox), it’s going to be Game of the Year in a bunch of publications, and it’s going to be hyped to infinity when it releases next year. I don’t know where the idiotic rabble came from that it’s going to be download only or on next-gen consoles because that would be the superest dumb thing that Rockstar could do.

Your mileage will vary. Trailer below.

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  • GTA 4 just had too much fxxking around, but not the good kind of fxxking around.. and the main character was a grey slab of Serbian bitching and anger.