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Modern Warfare 3 Multiplayer – What To Expect From The 12 Year Olds.

Posted by on November 7, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Modern Warfare 3 launches at midnight, which means everyone will be running home, dropping the game into their consoles and firing up for a bit of the multiplayer goodness we’ve all been waiting for.

When the multiplayer experience begins, for each of us, we will be faced with the teeming hordes of gamer kiddies and all of the wonder and joy they bring us. For those of you who are taking your first foray into the world of multiplayer, we at FEZ thought we would write up something to prepare you for what’s to come.

Read on!

Here’s what we know:

About 5 minutes after the game releases, at least 1000 kids between the ages of 12 and 15 will have hit rank 37 and will have access to much better weapons than you. This means you will spend the first few hours of your multiplayer experience getting killed over and over again by an enemy who has not only numerical but technological superiority.

Right now, those same kids are sitting at home, spending Microsoft points to change their gamertags, and texting each other with a fury only seen in times of war and global pandemic, figuring out new clan tags. This means you will log into a multiplayer lobby and see people with gamertag / clantag combos like :

  • IBangedUr [MOM]
  • ISlappedUr [MOM]
  • IPeedOnUr [MOM]
  • IShotUr [MOM]
  • UrDadsUr [MOM]
  • IRapedUr [CAT]
  • ShowMeUr [TTS]

Or even worse. Some of them are so NOT funny it’s pathetic. Expect racist/sexist names to run rampant.

Once you’re in the lobby, waiting for the game to start, you can expect the children to have lots of fun with their microphones. This is always one of the high-points of a major multiplayer releases and is guaranteed to be hours of fun for everyone. Here’s some of the stuff you should expect to hear through your own headset :

  • Random music – Screamo, the Barney theme or The Song That Doesn’t End (ok, that last one will be me…sorry)
  • Tommy and Joey talking about how they want to bang the new 13 year old from Minnesota.
  • A random 12 year old being screamed at by his parents that he has school and needs to go to bed.
  • He / she will be calling his mother a bitch and telling her to make him a sandwich.
  • “FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG”
  • A couple of kids talking about how they hate their math teacher and are planning on blowing up his house.
  • Random threats of violence against you, if you don’t IMMEDIATELY “go right and head for the flag”
  • An aggressive 35 year old threatening to beat all the kids if they don’t shut up.
  • “FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG”
  • Screaming…random, loud, high pitched, “my balls haven’t dropped yet” screaming.
  • “Get your ass back to the kitchen where you belong, WHORE!” (If a female speaks)
  • The “it’s over nine thousand” sound byte, on loop, very loud.
  • “FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG FAG”
  • “LIMEY FAG LIMEY FAG LIMEY FAG LIMEY FAG LIMEY FAG LIMEY FAG” (If someone from the UK speaks)

Once you get into the game itself, you will be treated to various forms of verbal abuse and griefing. Commonly, you will deal with 13 year olds team-killing you or telling their buddy, who is right next to them on the couch, where you or the rest of the team are and what they’re doing.

You’ll also be subjected to numerous server shutdowns, balancing, disconnects and the kid who logs in with both of his consoles, keeps working lobbies until he is on different teams and then stands there and screams / blasts an air horn into his mic so he is griefing everyone on both sides.

Over the next several days, up to 2 weeks or so, you’ll be dealing with this on a constant basis. It will eventually start to taper off after the little kids get bored with the game or on the 11th when they start playing Skyrim. Until then, though, you’re going to regularly have kids leaving in the middle of matches to go put away groceries, kids calling you a daddy-raping nano-fag, kids farting and burping into the mic, right before they hold it in the toilet while they pee, etc…(ok, that last one will be me…sorry).

At this point, you’ve been warned so brace yourself. It’s war out there!

See you online.

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