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Skyrim – Releases in 6 days. Women Of The World, You’re On Notice.

Posted by on November 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Dragons and Werewolves and Skeletons, oh my! “The Elder Scrolls V – Skyrim” officially drops in 6 days and we, on behalf of all male gamers in the world have an official announcement for their non-gaming female counterparts.

If you’re a chick and you game, show this to your male friends. They’ll get the picture.

In the spirit of trying to help save relationships and friendships, the world round, we here at FEZ feel it’s important that we help to set the expectations our partners should have over the 14-365 days after the release of Skyrim next week.

When the game finds its way into our gaming systems we will, understandably, be very busy and therefor will not be able to do some of the things we would normally handle. Some examples of things we WON’T be doing are:

  • Trash
  • Dishes
  • Painting, in any form
  • Cleaning the grill
  • Shopping
  • Changing diapers (the baby’s or the grandparents’)
  • Sleeping
  • Speaking (except occasional grunts or screams of “OH MY GOD, DID YOU SEE THAT?!”)
  • Cooking
  • Sweeping
  • Mopping
  • Working
  • Paying attention to you
  • Getting up to pee
  • Answering the phone
  • Watching your favorite show with you
  • Acknowledging your existence
  • Blinking
  • Stopping (This includes hitting pause in order to kiss you goodnight or reassure you that we’re still breathing. If the little guy on the screen is still moving, we’re still alive.)

Please note that the list above is NOT inclusive. Furthermore, here is a short list of things we will expect of you during this period, in order to keep things as comfortable as possible for everyone involved.

  • Do not knock, call out, whisper, whistle, snap your fingers, try to act sexy or in any other way attempt to get our attention. If you require sexual intercourse, please keep your head out from in front of the television.
  • Please make sure you keep us fed and hydrated. Mountain Dew, coffee, and water, in rotation, along with turkey sandwiches and cheese-nips will keep us alive. It’s not much to ask. Now go – you know where the kitchen is.
  • If we are shifting around in our seat and crossing our legs, please bring a bottle, bucket, casserole dish, trash bag or other suitable receptacle for us to pee in. Also, shake it twice. Our hands are busy.
  • If supplies begin to run low, head off to the store and stock up. Hurry back, though, in case we have to pee.
  • If a baby or small child begins to cry, please stop the sound from reaching us. Feed it, water it, change it or take it to your mother’s place but, for god’s sake, don’t just let it squeal away like an injured bunny…Hurry Back!
  • We’re going to need some form of hygiene. A sponge bath, once or twice daily, should keep mold from setting in.
  • If you notice obvious discomfort, application of “icy hot” or creme analgesics to the thumbs and trigger fingers is appreciated. Just make sure you back off if there’s a boss battle.
  • You MAY need to feed us. If so, please make sure you wipe our mouths…don’t forget the little bits of mayo in the corners, please!
  • If we fart and the paint starts to peel, just pretend it was the dog / cat / fish / hamster and deal with it. Remember, we haven’t been eating very healthy recently.
  • Steak, once a week. Baked potato and shrimp lets us know you REALLY love us. Small bites, please, so we don’t choke.
  • If we DO choke, please attempt to perform the Heimlich maneuver without causing us to lose our fix on the TV.

And, lastly, let’s have a little understanding please. It’s not like we MADE them write such a kick ass game. We’re the victims, here. We shouldn’t be looked down upon any more than the victim of a mugging, or car-jacking. You know we care about you but we’re in a state of deep hypnosis and are unable to break the trance so just help us get through this as peacefully as possible and nobody has to get hurt.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Also, werewolf.

Ok so…apparently that’s some kind of troll. I think the one BELOW is a werewolf, though…If not, well…I suck.

ok, so…that looks like it’s not a werewolf either (yes I can make out the third eye). I am to be drug out into the street and shot, immediately.

If you “Team Jacob” me, I’ll slap you in the neck with a running chainsaw.

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  • Treyh56

    Retarded, useless article even though it is true. And that’s not a werewolf, partner. That would be a snow troll, note the three eyes. Good try though.

    • We still love you.

    • Hmmm…I’ll have to put up the OTHER werewolf picture I have.

      Wanna snuggle?

      • :-P

        Team Jacob.

    • Dylankelly

      that would be a regular troll. good try though.

  • Death

    funny article =D

  • Joey61401

    i love this

  • Kamrana

    HAHA GIRLFRIEND LOVED IT :D

  • The Doctor

    Hilarious! Except for the picture of the troll, and then calling it a werewolf…

    • Yeah, I think I fixed that.  I was misled…MISLED, I TELL YOU!!

      • The Doctor

        Haha! There were some actual werewolf pictures out there, but most of ’em have been took down.
        Great article though! Nice to see there are still some people out there who don’t take everything too seriously.

        • Yeah, we don’t take MUCH seriously around here.

          We’re too busy making sandwiches for our mostly-female game testing staff :)

          • The Doctor

            ^ Win!

    • Random Person

      Just replying cause I love Doctor Who.

      • The Doctor

        Lol, who doesn’t?

  • SGT TROLL

    THANK YOU FOR ADDRESSING THE WERE WOLF IM SOOOO TIRED OF THE TWILIGHT SHIT !!!!! WITH A CHAINSAW PEOPLE RESPECT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! although I’ll probably be a vamp anyways BUT STILL GET TEABAGGED B4 YOUMENTION THAT SHIT. And goood article I mean i’ll probably still do some of those things on the list (like get up too pee) but other wise very accurate. 

  • Djddj2

    Sexist article.  Horrible.  “Now go – you know where the kitchen is.”

    • Hey, I DID say that the female gamers should show this to their male counterparts.  Non-gaming guys should know where the kitchen is, too.

      I mean…SOMEONE has to give the woman directions when she moves in, right?

      I know, I know…I’m a pig.

    • Young Nigga

      They should know where the kitchen is. It’s all they’re good for.

      • Askjdjf

        Edited and user IP banned for being a racist asshole.

        NEXT!

    • MrZizzle

      I totally 100% agree with you. Took it a bit too far I think. I get that its just a joke and I can appreciate that. I WAS going to share this article with my wife for a laugh… but then as I read on I realized that I love her far more than that and I would never want her to feel that I would ever disrespect her like that. I dont want to even have room for doubt. A lasting relationship is built on unshakeable trust!

      • Jmhbluenose

        if she can’t take this as a joke, she’s a retard and so are you for putting up with her

        • Guest

          Call a black person the n word and see if they think is a joke you piece of shit

          • Guest

            How is saying a girl should know where the kitchen is, anything like calling a black person the big scary “n word?”

            You take yourself too seriously, the world isn’t going to change by being retarded. Be insightful, be calm and collected, and choose your battles. A little comedy article is not the right forum for some feminist front. It’s a joke…BY DEFINITION.

            I think anyone older than 3-4 years old, ought to know where the kitchen is.

            My wife DOES make me sandwiches. I also do manly things like LIFT HEAVY OBJECTS – and WORK CONSTRUCTION. Haven’t seen a girl breaking concrete next to me in a LOOOONG time. The time I did see it, I had to ask her gender. Because it wasn’t apparent.

            Don’t call for equality, call for fair treatment. If you can do an equal work load, get paid an equal amount as men – call for that. But don’t sit around and act like men and women are the same, for anyone living in the real world – It is a flat-out joke.

          • Rob

            Wow…Did you REALLY just go there?  REALLY.

            Grow a sense of humor, dude.

      • Rob

        why so serious?

      • Anonymous

        Your wife is a very lucky woman.

    • Big Scary Black Guy

      you real tough behind that pc huh?

    • Dovahkiin

       These comments should really be looked over by a site moderator

      • Rob

        Done.

        If you see comments like this in the future, please feel free to email us and let us know.  With so much going on it’s hard to catch this stuff sometimes.

        • mobley

          So it’s not okay to post racist trolling comments on here, but it’s okay to publish a sexist article? If you were “joking” (lame sense of humor..try harder) you wouldn’t have referred female gamers to pass it on to their male friends, you would’ve said, tell this to your boyfriend. It’s obvious sexism, and sexism is already rampant in the gaming industry. Asshole!

        • kera

          Rob is clearly a sexist asshole. You care about racism but not sexism? Really? Grow up and find yourself a girlfriend or something.

    • Guest

      You’re a fucking sexist asshole. Fuck. You.

      • Rob

        Thank you

        • WonderWoman

          don’t worry Rob, that chick sounds like she sucks anyway hahaha that was a funny article and im a girl.. very hot lady gamer actually.. my kind will be extinct soon… but while we still live.. write away!

          • Mirm

            Look at me, im a girl and a gamer, and I’m hot, and I don’t care about sexism in gaming. I’m going to be a white knight for the guys, so that they will like me more!

            Everybody sees right through that. Yawn.

            Article was uninspired, and relies on stereotypes for substance.

      • JayJay Loughran

        hehehehehe typical female ;]

      • Me myself

        Haha it was a female friend of mine that told me about this, plus my wife thought it was good too

        • Rob

          Give her a high 5 from me.

          • lena

            If you DO choke, I’ll be sure to let you die.

          • Because, yeah…jokes = DEATH!

    • Skyrim on a 60″ LED ROX

      obviously your a woman and not making a sandwich right now. you know where the kitchen is… now go make a sandwich

  • I never post comments but this deserves one this is probably the funniest article i have read in a long time, but yet so honest. To prepare my GF i printed a copy off to make sure she got the memo.

    • WonderWoman

      my bf also sent me the memo i thought it was hilarious .. and i don’t laugh at much .. comedians bore me mostly.. if you don’t like it .. why read it? stop reading and click on something else.. like.. um fashion or some other chick stuff.. :)

  • Isaacpaolino

    No snout. No werewolf. You know how it is.

    • I know, I suck.  I tell you, though, I was lied to.  Those who provided me with these false images will be brought to justice, I swear!

      • Wichardson1995

        they said there wasn’t going to be werewolves in skyrim. dlc maybe?

        • That’s the understanding I’m under…DLC is supposed to cover it.

          That could be a lie, though.  Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been deceived regarding Skyrim.

          • Wrichardson1995

            the new making of skyrim video shows after the skeletons some weird creature that look like twisted vampires. maybe that is what the volkihar clan looks like.

          • Ami005

            I can 100% guarantee that there are werewolves… no DLC just werewolves.

            Spoiler- A small group within the companions faction (called the inner circle or something) are ALL werewolves and can be met very early in the game. The video I saw showed Farcas(a companion) transforming into one. Screen-shots here http://everygamingnews.com/2011/11/02/the-elder-scrolls-v-skyrim-werewolves-conifirmed/

          • Actually There Will Be Werewolves In Skyrim, The Leaked Gameplay Shows It…It’s Pretty Badass :)

        • Wrichardson1995

          there are going to be two different types of vampires though regular/volkihar clan

        • FitoBurrito

          Dude, werewolves are confirmed. You get the Ring of Hircine, which grants a werewolf transformation) and someone posted a leaked video from Skyrim with a werewolf in it. But the video was taken down by ZeniMax Media. :(

        • Seand Bertran

          According to the leaks, there’s gonna be werewolves??

          • Wraith

            i doubt it. they. DLC werewolves will definately get bethesda tons of cash. What game company wouldn’t do that.

          • Xeallexx

            There’s nothing to doubt. It’s proven werewolf are in the game.

  • Terence Undefined

    Retarded, Not only males are playing skyrim, this is sexist and stupid.

    • But…but…I said…*sigh*

    • Bobscratch5

      Wrong, only males are playing Skyrim.  The ratio of girls to boys playing Skyrim is so infinitesimally small that it might as well be zero.  Face it, you will die alone.

      • HAHAHAHAHAHAHA…No, seriously…I lol’d in real life.

        Thanks for that!

        • Bobscratch5

          I aim to please.  ;)

      • Lewis

        girls play skyrim too…

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0fOdaBmTsA&feature=related
        just not that many

        • Elurian

          Not sure referencing either of those reflects favorably on girls playing Skyrim, since one was actually reacting to Twilight with the Skyrim trailer soundtrack dubbed and the other compared Skyrim to Fable, which is the gaming equivalent of the same thing…

        • Scuba Steve

          No they don’t.  They’re lying.

      • Hhhannabanana

        Im actually going to LOVE playing Skyrim. Just because I’m a girl doesn’t mean I hate all gory violent games! I can’t wait to smash some heads in :)

      • Dr Freud

        Statistically speaking, you are right. However, the attitude you have toward female gamers is pretty sad. I love video games and there are thousands of other women who do too who are smart and beautiful. It sucks that you’ve never met a woman who has challenged you to broaden your thinking, but then again it doesn’t look like you would deserve it. As for the article, those are things I will be asking my boyfriend to do while I enjoy Skyrim, and I will do the same for him when Diablo 3 comes out. Wow I am a lucky woman!

        • Guest

          I don’t think anyone here can talk statistics. No amount of relevant research has been done to go there. What we can talk about is experience.

          In my experience, the following has been true:
          If a girl is good at video games, she is ugly
          If a girl is pretty and likes video games, she is an attention whore that can barely play.
          If a girl is moderately not fugly, she might be able to play decently, but has trouble grasping higher concepts, or more frustratingly – pretends to understand and belligerently trudges through her various social interactions with other gamers.

          When I see a girl that likes video games, I like to ask: What else do you like? Do you have any thoughts inside your head besides those that might garner you some sort of supreme attention from a group of sex-starved individuals?

          I saw a girl on the bus today, wearing a superman hoody. A green lantern shirt.
          Now my first thought was “Are you trying to say Superman deep down, has lantern envy?” – My second thought was – “Who are you trying to impress?”

          That second thought happens the same when I see females in those tight leggings.

          To be fair, there are many man-children like this, but being a heterosexual, I often write these individuals off as stupid people, and just don’t talk to them. I imagine if I was homosexual, I might be more critical towards the idiot male gamers.

          Does that mean out of some large population pool there will be those that so-called “break the mold?” Well god damn, I sure hope so.

          • Rob

            Wow…and people accused ME of stereotyping.  

            FYI, one the of hottest chicks I’ve ever known was also one of the best gamers I’ve ever met.  She’s also a fan of this site and an all-around really groovy lady.

            I don’t know what led you to have these opinions but…man…have a word with yourself.

          • Guest

            What opinions? I said these were experiences. I didn’t make it up. I’ve been gaming for most of my life. I was playing Maniac Mansion at the age of 4. I’ve met a lot of female gamers, and they usually fit into these categories.

          • Generalization and stereotype. At least TRY to mask it a little.

            Methinks someone got his ‘ittle heart broke. Want to talk about it?

          • Guest

            I never said all female gamers fit in these categories. I said these were my experiences.

            I love it when people say “I am so sorry you never met a female gamer that challenged your […]”

            My response is always: Yeah! Me too!

          • Sigh…Can’t be bothered with you anymore. Logic fail.

          • Guest

            That is fine, if you ever feel like telling me where my Logic Fail happened. I’ll be browsing this article for a few more minutes.

          • Mirm

            People like you are the reason there is so few women in gaming. When I get on to play, I don’t want to have to break through gender stereotypes, I just want to play my motherfucking game.

            But then I get into the lobby, and some asshole like you calls me out for being a girl, and starts talking shit, saying that I must be ugly because I did well, or that our team obviously lost because there’s a girl on the team (despite the stats), or that I’m just here to distract all of you, because I don’t get enough attention in real life.

            Will you shut your face, please? I shouldn’t have to turn off my mic, or speak in a lower voice, just for some peace and quiet.

            If you don’t know any decent girl gamers, it’s because they don’t want to take your disrespectful shit. Who can blame them? Other than to reply to this incredibly outrageous comment, I wouldn’t waste 30 seconds on you.

        • Bobscratch5

          Assuming you’re not a man in internet drag which I’m not convinced of, you’re now turning into “Just because a man can be good at video games doesn’t mean a woman can’t be good at them too”.  You really are trying to get into a club that I feel like a loser for being a member of (just so you or someone else don’t put more words in my mouth, I don’t mean all male and female gamers are losers, that is directed solely towards me).  Guest in the comment below is dead on balls accurate with his experience: girls who are good at games either fat, ugly, or fat and ugly.  Girls who pretend to like games are two versions of attention whores: they are either trying to get on video game tv series so they can admire themselves on TV, or like Guest said, trying to garnish attention from a group of sex-starved individuals.

          • Lol…yet another one. So I guess all guys who play video games are either pimply faced or virgins or pimply faced virgins, right?

            Amazing

      • Mombasa69

        Hahaha!

    • Guest

      Call it sexist in the same breath as “retarded”… Give me a break

  • Jacklogan

    You for real? The obvious form of writing is enough to give away its a JOKE! Its merely a form of entertainment leading up to the release of a highly anticipated game. 

    • YOU TELL ‘EM JACK!

      Uh oh…I think there’s an armed mob at my door.  

  • Hatza04

    Yeah that will probably describe the next… However long it takes for fallout 4 or elder scrolls six to be released.. Of my life.

  • I wear wife beater t-shirts

    Pointless article.
    My wife isn’t allowed to read.
    And she’s already shackled to the kitchen so she has no access to the computer.
    Plus shes in a lot of pain because she falls down a lot of stairs and runs into door knobs.

    Thanks though.

    • NICE!

      Will she make me a shrimp sandwich?  I have a lot of research to do and I’m a bit peckish!

  • Guest

    Me and my boyfriend both game so we’ll be sat in the same room with our backs to one another on different tvs playing Skyrim. Occasional grunts to communicate.

    • THIS Will be a successful relationship.

      I officially bless your union under the powers granted me by the state of inebriation and by the Holy Zipperdude.

      May you walk, forever, in high FPS.

    • Guest

      Analysis:
      Grossly overweight multiplied by two.
      Or Super Ugly plus Super Overweight.

      • Rob

        You’re an idiot.  You go through the comments here laying out all these psuedo-intellectual principles and, on one hand, trying to clear this all up as a joke article but then you also make posts like this one and the one referring to female gamers as ugly and / or attention whores.

        Seriously, go have a word with yourself…you should be embarrassed.

        • Guest

          Pseudo-Intellectual must be the cool word for:

          “You have decent spelling and could lay out your thoughts in an intelligible manner, thus you’re an elitist and while you are an elitist, you’re also not as intelligent as you think, therefore, you are a PSEUDO! A PSEUDO-WOODO.”

          But honestly, I’ve met these couples as described. They’re lacking what we call normalcy – Which is fine, be fat and ugly and happy.

          The problem was the inane assertion: WE’RE PERFECT! WE SIT BACK TO BACK AND EAT CHEETOS AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES.

          • Arcade

            No, pseudo-intellectual pretty much means you’re someone who can put words together that sound reasonably coherent, but you try to flaunt your ‘intelligence’ like monkey showing off its genitals tp small children on a field trip to the zoo.

            I’m a female gamer and I’m overweight. I’m also am the happiest goddamn person you will ever meet, not in small part due to anti-depressants to treat post traumatic stress, anxiety and depression which, unfortunately, had a hand in making me – oh my god! – fat. But you know what? I really don’t care, because I will take being fat and happy over starving myself and being miserable to counteract the medication side effects any day. By god, if I lived in the 1500s I would have been considered the Marilyn Monroe of my time. Being fat and pale meant that you were well off, well fed and didn’t spend hours laboring under the hot sun. Don’t even get me started on my facial symmetry. I’ve got fucking awesome facial symmetry.
            See, the only thing that bothers me is this prevailing assumption that a person needs to be skinny in order to be happy and healthy. Here, let me show you a photo shoot of Olympic level athletes with various body types. http://ninamatsumoto.wordpress.com/2010/12/18/athletic-body-diversity-reference-for-artists/

            Holy fuck on a cracker, do you see that fat uggo in the fourth photo? There’s no way she could be a happy and healthy person who could probably bench press five of you.

            And that doesn’t even really matter. It doesn’t matter if someone sits on their ass all day, guzzling soda by the gallon and snarfing down an elephant’s weight in potato chips. And do you know why? Because if they happen to be like that couple mentioned above, happy and content with their lives and playing video games together because that’s their thing, that’s all that matters. They’re getting more out of life than most people.
            tl;dr: Your version of ‘normalcy’ is kind of like that monkey penis. Nobody likes to look at it.

          • Arcade

            *like a monkey, *to

            I will own my typos. I will gather them to my chest and use them as a goddamn winter coat.

            It also looks like some of my paragraph breaks didn’t go through.

            Oh! Oh! Addendum! Pseudo-intelligence also means that you would have probably taken the first opportunity to throw those typos in my face to try and make the world notice just how awesome your spelling, grammar and syntax are. It’s okay. We’ve already noticed. Will you marry my first born?

          • GerrieB

            I want to be your friend hehe I’m serious.   Love this post, more people need to think like that.  It all breaks down to “don’t judge a book by its cover”.    If those two people are happiest doing what they do, all the more power to them.   Kudos for being happy, being happy at what you do, and being happy sharing that activity with each other.

            Happy people live longer *nod*  :)

          • Rob

            lol @ fat uggo

          • gloober

            This is actually a reply to GerrieB…HAppy people may live longer however “fat” people tend to have a significantly lower lifespan no-matter if they’re happy or not…Why do you think you only see skinny 80 yearolds??? Think Mofo 

          • GerrieB

            they weren’t asserting they were perfect..they were asserting their happiness, which is entirely different.   It all comes down to how you read that..doesn’t it?

          • Rob

            In a perfect world, it does.  Unfortunately, as is the case with our friend here, some people are just too insistent on pushing their own view of the perfect world on others.

            Godwin’s law is imminent.

          • Rob

            Read arcade’s post, below.  She nailed it.

            Pseudo-intellectual means just that…falsely intellectual.  It’s a ruse…a deception…thinly veiled as it is.

            I don’t understand why someone who is “overweight” causes you so much consternation.  I don’t know why someone isn’t what you consider “attractive” causes you such emotional stress.  

            Why do you hate cheetos so much?

            I’m fat and ugly AND I play games AND I’m not even great at them…Do you hate me for that?  If so, you have some serious emotional issues to work out.

            OR is it ok for me to be so because I don’t have a vagina?  If so, you have some serious emotional issues to work out.

            See a pattern here?

    • Sunkissd2010

      Seriously huh?  My bestie will be doing everything I need for me when I am playing and he can play at night and do whatever himself.  I love him, he’s awesome but touch my game when i’m around to play it and he wont have a hand anymore.  And as to dude’s tirade about female gamers-I’m not fat and i’m intelligent (have a college degree) and love to play all kinds of games with my bestie (of course).  He’s the one who makes the coffee.  Coffee ROCKS!!!!  Oh and I love the joke, so funny.

  • Anonymous

    My boyfriend will spend the next 3 months being treated like the women you describe above while I play Skyrim. Women 1, Men 0.

    • Marry me?

      • Djddj2

        I’ll marry you by the grace and good will of the velvet Elvis under the eternal glow of the ‘Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas’ beacon.  Quick, let us hasten to our end and let the world be damned as we take refuge in a Little White Chapel.

        • YouWish

          Girl gamer here too. My husband is already referring himself as a “Skyrim Widow”.  Luckily, I keep the food and drinks nearby so he can play his sports games on the other console. We’ve already stocked up.  Girls plan ahead. 

          • Rob

            So do guys…Hence the article telling their women what to expect. <3

    • Guest

      Let me know how dying repeatedly on the easiest setting goes, or having to look up simple puzzles.

      The sad thing is, this game will be easy enough for 9 year olds to beat with one hand…What have games come to?

      • Rob

        I would think the university you’re posting from would be able to churn out people with a little more sense.

        Just saying.

        • Guest

          So, it’s alright for you to troll with a little comedy, but anyone else does it – and you’re on the moral high road? I am just poking fun at these people that troll on in here and make the grand-stand “I AM FEMALE HEAR ME ROAR.”

          • by calling them fat and ugly?

            That’s embarrassing…Really, I’m embarrassed for you. I would think that with all of the pseudo-intellectual stuff you posted, you’d be able to come up with better.

            That’s just fail-trolling dude.

          • Guest

            I am kind of embarrassed with the constant lack of substance in the responses…this is wearing thin.

          • Guest

            If you want to have a serious discussion, that’s one thing, but you’re taking sound-bytes from different interactions and assuming they are all posted in the same frame of mind…Which isn’t fair, and I haven’t done it to you.

          • It is fair because you’re presenting the argument that, in general, female gamers are either fat and ugly, sucky gamers, or nerd-attention whores. I am presenting the stance that I made a funny.

            I’m sorry you can’t see the difference.

          • Guest

            No, I am poking fun at these grand-standers in some comments, and seriously dictating my experiences in other comments. And you’re trying to take them and combine them because you have the privilege of being an administrator.

            You’re telling me that I am making an argument for generalization, I am telling you that such a generalization is impossible! I don’t know _every_ _female_ _gamer_. This is the kind of lack of higher conceptional skills that I am talking about.

            You’ve taken something and ran with it, without seeing if you actually grabbed the right thing, and now you can’t look back.

            My experiences, are my experiences, they are anecdotal, not some experimentally proven fact. Get over it! Maybe you’ve had another experience, or maybe you just feel some white-knight syndrome, I don’t know…

          • goober

            I actually agree with guests observation…the majority, (notice that I, much like Guest said majority) not all, the woman that i have met that liked orsaid they liked videogames are either ugly and fat ooooooor hot attention seeking whores…Look people why are yall getting so worked up about this? The guy said majority he didnt say all for christ sakes…Plus even if he is a troll yall are just fueling him =P

      • Anonymous

        Your mother must be proud of how sexist you turned out.

        • Guest

          Just curious, how is having specific experiences…sexist? I’ve spent a lot of time around these people that I have made judgements about.

          I wonder if your mother is proud of the lack of reading comprehension…

          • Anonymous

            I’ve also met a lot of guys who are far more dim than a plastic spoon; do you see me calling all men mindless idiots?

          • Guest

            I didn’t call ALL women — anything. People were talking about gaming girls, and my experiences have led me to these conclusions. That is all.

            If you don’t fit in these categories, that is a good thing. I even said that many males I’ve met can be fit into similar categories…

          • Rob

            Please don’t compare this guy to a plastic spoon…it’s offensive.

            To the spoon.

            BUT, what do I know?  I’m a gamer and I love gamer chicks so apparently I’m a no life nerd-loser and I like fat, ugly posers who suck at games, just because they have boobs and I can’t get laid.

            le sigh.

        • Guest

          It’s funny that I actually put in my original comment that there is a lot of males that do similar things in my experiences. But no one has an eye for that, they just have an eye for the whole “sexist” thing. Kind of a load of crap huh?

        • Rob

          Don’t feed the trolls, my dear.

          • Anonymous

            Not even a shit sandwich? Since, you know, I’m already in the kitchen, it’s no problem whipping one up…

          • Rob

            In that case, will you grab me some Dew?  I’m lazy.

            And, yes…A shit sandwich would be appropriate.

          • Guest

            Yeah, that’s not condescending at all…

            People with there secret sexisms….getting on my case because I shared my experiences. No where did I say they were facts, or how things “really are.” Yet it gets interpreted that way, by overzealous people trying to cover their own insecurities.

            This is getting pathetic..I am done with these pissing matches. I don’t think anyone has actually said anything.

      • you_are_a_weak_troll

        Really dude …..you are so bad. You are not pseudo-intellectual….you are a pseudo-trolling type of reject….
        I think you should first go and train your trolling. You are lashing out senseless stuff. I bet till yesterday you trolled u tube music vids with comments like “Justin Bieber ….”
        I mean if you are to troll here , come prepared man…….and don’t FAIL so much…

  • papasmurf

    lawling at the oversensitive female gamers raging, on the plus side, theres cooking in skyrim so all you upset femme fatales can make the NPC’s sammiches =D

    • GerrieB

      who is upset?  You wish…dream on papa.  Meanwhile I am looking forward to downloading MY  SKYRIM from Steam, probably a day earlier than the 11th.  Muahahahaa …put that in your pipe and smoke it :D

  • redfive

    Definitely going to show this to my boyfriend, ’cause this is what he’ll have to put up with while I, female gamer that I am, play Skyrim for the next three months or so.

  • sabrina

    Hello female gamer here and ill have my bitch boy brother who is 7 get me all the shit I need for the next 5 months

    • JL

      He’ll probably kill you in your sleep some night.  Which he will learn by watching you play Skyrim when he comes to hand you your snack foods.  I hope it was worth it.

  • Anonymous

    I am a female and I will totally be playing Skyrim as a Dunmer thief. My fiancee has been forewarned =)

    • Wraith

      dark elves are the best

  • yeltsakcir

    werewolf footage is up on youtube, watch before it gets taken down http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfDHOATpZAU&feature=related

  • Guest

    Lmao, funny if slightly (Read: totally) sexist article. My bf is over in Germany, or we would be switching off “Get me a Diet ____!” and “Gimme a SANDVICH!” 

    • hahaha.  That’s what I’m talking about!

  • Feanor

    i see people saying” next three months of my life””six months” whatever…. i got lost in oblivion for 2yrs…. a total of 387 hours. so w/ skyrim six days away ive kissed the wife and kids goodby, wrote up a last will , cashed in our retirement, and will be dropping out of the rest of the world for good this time i think… i might be back to pre-order elderscrolls six…….maybe……

  • Anonymous

    I find it amusing that you did not mention sex.

    • Rob

      Sex was mentioned.  I specifically noted that our partners should not block the TV with their head if they require sexual intercourse.  

      I’ll allow sex, it just has to take place without interrupting my questing.

  • Halfliter

    With articles like this it’s any wonder why gamers aren’t taken seriously. Sexist, shameless, unfunny and completely worthless. It tells me nothing and any thinking person whether male or female should be offended by the blatant stereotyping.

    • yeltsakcir

      boooooo, go away

    • Watty_clark

      With articles like… o jeeze, being a blatent asissine asshole is contagious, i nearly repeated you… But wait I get that its a humorous article and props to the writer.
      Don’t worry about us Gamers, you’re the one not gonna be taken seriously here ;)

    • Scuba Steve

      This isn’t blatant stereotyping, blatant stereotyping doesn’t even exist anymore.  You’re just mad because you’re fat, have no friends, never get laid, and play video games to take your mind off of those facts.  I can tell these things about you without even having to know you.

    • Rob

      With comments like this, it’s a wonder why gamers aren’t taken seriously.  Sensitive, whiney, no sense of humor and completely bland.  It tells me nothing and any thinking person, whether male or female, should be offended by the blatant lack of anything resembling the ability to identify comedy.

  • DiscretionaryPorpoise

    Its been released that there WILL be werewolves in Skyrim. Not as DLC but as a part of the companions (warriors guild equivalent) quest. dont know what they will look like though. as any videos and photos are being removed from websites due to “copyright infringement” or some such nonsense

  • Mombasa69

    Lmao nice article! This game is worth a divorce if there ever was a better reason!

  • Mombasa69

    I heard there’s cannibalism in this game, I do hope people don’t get carried away and eat their partner.

  • Skalywag

    I was cracking up the entire time I read this. Way too funny. XD

  • Cherylpetty

    you forgot one thing that is important 

    most skyrim players will not acknowledge their own existence let alone their partners

  • Cassandra

    I’m a girl. I’m super excited for Skyrim. I lol’d at this article. :)

  • TrollKiller

    Great piece. Trey is a troll

  • gamer dan

    i will on the 101111 eat so much and gain twice my own body weight so i wouldn’t have to eat and many months later i will come out of skyrim hibernation to find myself filthy, bearded, really skinny and my finger muscles will be so buff this list is going on the back of my head so they can clearly see it when they try to get my attention.

  • Luksheri

    *lol, spam*

  • YouWish

    Heh.  Both of us are mad gamers.  Been playing on dual TV’s or computer screens since we first started dating.  When games like this release, we mega stock up on food and drinks and take turns re-supplying whenever one of us can’t stand it and relieve our bladders.  I truly have the perfect marriage.

  • Gwynavaere_m

    Sexist much? I’ll be playing alongside my boyfriend. Assholes.

  • Your Skyrim informant

    *lol, moar spam*

  • death

    AHAHAHAHHAH YEAH BECAUSE THOSE WOMEN CAN JUST STAY IN THE KITCHEN AMIRIGHT GUYS!? FUCK I’M SO FUNNY AND NOT AT ALL A COMPLETE WASTE OF SPACE PIECEOFSHIT SEXIST FUCK!!! AHAHAHAH
    Grow the fuck up. Plenty of women would love to play Skyrim. It’s shit like this that discurages them. Fucking retards.

  • Finally something to give to my boyfriend so he understands me. He has been giving me absolute hell for my skyrim obsession and doesn’t understand why Dovakhiin is the name of choice for our first born son. 

  • Nightmare8885

    It drops in 5 days….

  • Take the stick out your ass, its a joke. Obviously women play skyrim. Obviously this article is not super serious. 

  • Trasher

    well that was a waste of my time

  • Guest

    …u mad?

  • Guest

    Snagging the Arrow of Extrication for the Grey Fox. Skyrim how you tease me so. :(

  • Watty_clark

    u mad?

  • Watty_clark

    Your asinine complaint has been logged… DO NOT GIVE A FUCK… Theres women probably reading this with their underwear not as stuck high up their asses as yours is.

  • Anonymous

    Is that so? Well then, I expect to see the death toll rise sharply within the month.

  • You just got owned by a chick, dude…or chick…

    GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE YOUR MOMMY A SANDWICH!!

  • Anonymous

    Really?! 

    You must be every man’s ideal gf!

    • Scuba Steve

      Too bad she doesn’t really exist.

  • Iornjab

    Could this article be anymore true? haha

  • Fallenromeo

    So you’re on team jacob,Right?

  • CaptainCake

     Look at you being all mad and shit!

  • SGTWhite

    I’m drafting up several copies of this to send to my dad, sisters, flat-mate, boss, superiors in my TA unit and my mates. I bid you all a fond adieu as I prepare to charter my course into the great unknown that is the province of Skyrim. Alas, I’ve no other half to dutiful wait upon me, but fear not brothers and sisters! I shall strive onwards! To the medical tent. Those I.V. bags and tubes must be mine! Farewell!

    • Good luck to you, Sir.  You travel with no other half but you’re certainly not alone.

      Let’s go kill some dragons!

  • Ftaylor

    Once I am done with the game, I will have new boyfriend with a bigger dick than yours. gg  =D

    • I don’t have a dick.  It was lost in a tragic deer-feeding incident.  I stapled a breakfast sausage to my nuts, though, so it would look like I still have a dingaling.

      AND, I always have a snack handy!

  • SKYRIMandVaginas

    I am a female that is going to play skyrim. My boyfriend is too. I may die alone, seeing as someone mentioned the female to male ratio is so small, but I will kick every dragon’s ass in the entire game and be 100 times more powerful and further into the game, than any of you. So, (since balls are so very sensitive and can’t take a beating, like my vagina does) grow a vagina, and be a woman.

    • Rob

      Ladies and Gentlemen, Betty White.

  • Steph117

    Well crap. wtf are we gonna do??! so many people in our house gonna be playing skyrim, i cant take care of my boyfriend and vice verse because we both will be stuck. prolly just going to die playing the greatest game ever. good way to go i guess :)

    • After you die, come back as a ghost and teach the flies how to work a controller so you can hit all the DLC.  

      All issues solved.

  • Melissa18

    I’m a girl and my brother showed me this…and I laughed so much I started crying. I’ve forwarded this onto all of my female friends and they all love it to. Seriously dude, you are amazing.
    I cannot wait for Skyrim to come out. I guess during that time my brothers girlfriend will be feeding both of us. :D

    • Rob

      Thank you very much for this.  It’s awesome to see female gamers like yourself and many of the others who have posted here, who have a fully developed sense of humor and are able to get a good laugh out of me being a filthy, sexist pig.

      Here’s hoping you get as much enjoyment out of Skyrim as those of us who don’t have boobs and that your brother’s girlfriend doesn’t put too much mayo on your turkey sandwiches.  I hate that.

  • IamKeanuIamTheOne

    Buck yah. Make me a sandwich babe

  • Unlasheddeer

    “you know where the kitchen is”…….hahahaha priceless!!!

  • Jay

    …the hell is this?

    Would it be so difficult to write “Non-gaming partners, you’re on notice” instead of making it entirely sexist?
    I guess so. 

  • emily

    what about the women of the world who will also be sucked into the game? did you never think of us?

    • Rob

      Yeah, I did…hence the part that says “If you’re a chick and you game, show this to your male friends. They’ll get the picture.”

      *sigh*

  • AnnaLouiseLucia

    Tsk, tsk.  It’s all about preparation, people.  I have filled the freezer with easily microzapped food, and cleaned the house thoroughly.  I’ve done the banking, briefed the Husband and apologised to the cats.

    Husband is resigned.

    You see, this is the difference between male and female gamers.  Males tell females not to expect anything from them.  Females get it all sorted in advance…

    • Rob

      In your case, please replace “Also, shake it twice” with “Also, dab it dry”.

      I think everything else still applies.

      • AnnaLouiseLucia

        Yup, Rob, that pretty much covers it….

        (And btw, I wasn’t complaining – I liked the article and laughed till a bit of wee came out.  Then dabbed dry.)

        • Rob

          HAHAHA nice!

          I knew you weren’t complaining.  Your overall tone was well received.  

          You rock :)

  • Newpy

    LMFAO!  Totally hilarious!  CHICKS AND GF’S EVERYWHERE – YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!!!!!

  • lkjlkjlk

    I’m a female, and eagerly anticipating Skyrim as well. Also, I found this EXTREMELY amusing and laughed out loud several times. Quit being so fucking sensitive. The comments are funny, too.

    • Rob

      You rock my socks.  Thanks for the comment :)

  • The Doctor

    Everyone going on about sexism needs to get a new sense of humour. I’ve heard FAR WORSE from women, and you don’t see us complaining. This article is funny. Laugh or shut up.

    • Rob

      ^^^^^^^ This.

  • Arcade

    I… think this was meant to be satire, but instead it paints you as a gender stereotyped, misogynistic ass. :/ Approximately 40% of gamers are women. If anything, there will be household fights for console control that may end with violence and/or divorce.

  • Klaster

    I told my
    boyfriend there was no point in coming to see me the weekend this comes out.
     He will be ignored. He said he understood.  

    • Rob

      Print this document and present it to him.  Tell him to mentally replace references to women for their male counterparts.  

      Make sure you have plenty of coffee, mountain dew, turkey, mayo and cheese nips.

      You will be well taken care of.

  • Rob

    I envy you.  My ex-wife would throw things at my head if I spent any more than a couple hours at a time, gaming.

    We lost a lot of remotes that way :(

  • DrumberBoy69

    Bahahaha! SO TRUE! And hilarious! I’ve sent this to all my female friends, which is most of them. And thought I’d throw in my mom as well. People trippin need to cool their jets and get a sense of humor. My mom, and most of my girl-friends, are all hardcore feminists, and they found this hilarious. They know I love them, and my games. And hey, a few offered to even give me a BJ while I play! Win! =D And hey, when I’m done with the 300+ hours of gameplay, ill make sure to return the favor. ;) 

  • Guest

    I’ve been married for 12 years, my wife works as hard as anyone I know.  We have a daughter who we try to teach that she can do what we she wants regardless of gender.  And both my wife and I laughed are asses off at this article, and thought it was really very funny.

    Learn to take a joke.  Good humor is usually made at the expense of someone’s race, gender, religion, sexual preference etc. Thanks for the laughs Rob, I enjoyed, though some of these comments railing against have been even funnier, though obviously not intentionally so.

    • Myfakeinbox

      Yes I know, I typed “are” instead of “our”.  I’m an idiot.

    • Rob

      You’re very welcome!  I’m glad I could help to brighten your day, if even for a short time.

  • guest

    I am not a gamer but my husband is, and this is a funny article.  Thankfully I am secure enough in myself as a woman and a wife to know that though he may grunt, not come to bed for a few days, and ask me to bring him food doesn’t mean he is going all caveman on me or respects me any less.  All of you gamers, both male and female, have fun!  Looks like it will be an awesome game.

    • guest

      From Husband of guest!!  I think the author is completely out of his mind asking our wives to do things like this (pee in a bucket!!)  Come on, seriously are we all really that bad…can you bring us gamers to a lower level…I mean WTF!!!…THAT IS WHAT ADULT DIAPERS ARE FOR!!!  And by the way…my wife says go team Jacob to you ALL!!!  I say go team Edward…nothing like a bipolar jack-a$# saying…”I love you”…”oops nevermind, I was just using you for sex!!”…”Oh, shit, I mean I would kill myself if I were not by your side all the time”…”wait you stupid b&#ch all I am going to give you is a finger jacking”…”I love you soo much”…etc.  By the way, my wife was just looking over my shoulder and had to inform me that they never had sex!!!  I get my kicks this weekend, she gets hers next!  Great article, I also enjoyed ALL the comments.  PS. I now have to apologize for my rash comments and crude language…otherwise my wife will learn how to mod Skyrim and make a warewolf creature, name him Jacob and tie him to a bed somewhere as a quest to find him!!!  And she would take over the game all night long.  The reward…Jacob armor for your pet warewolf (only $5.95 for DLC).

      • Rob

        You two are awesome!  The couple that plays together, stays together.  

        By the way, tell your wife I have the chainsaw revved up for her, for the Team Jacob comment.

  • Bored_pc_guy

    Great article!!!!!  My wife thought it was funny.  I just loved reading the comments too…  Some of the butthurt people remind me of the episode of South Park in which Kanye West just couldn’t get the fish sticks joke.  The word of the day, children, is CONTEXT.  Take things in the proper context. Also, homework for the test on Friday will be reading chapters 1 through 4 in “How Not To Act Like Tools.”  Also, sarcasm is bad.

    • Rob

      Glad you liked it, dude. ;)

  • Nannertaco

    This article is so blatantly sexist it’s not even funny.

    • Rob

      No, it’s funny BECAUSE it’s blatantly sexist.

      See what I mean?

  • anon

    you know what?
    Fuck you, fuck you very much!
    If you had made this article about gamers and their non-gaming partners then fair enough, but to assume that men are the only persons who would be excited for this game, or that all female partners of a male gamer are subservient peon, is completely not on.

    I’m a female gamer that’s fucking excited for Skyrim but I would never expect my non-gamer girlfriend to treat me like that, as if she’s some slave to my every whim.

    So fuck you and your misogynistic views. 

  • Passivehatespeech

    this article is fucking retarded.

    If you guys can’t make a joke or even without inflammatory sexual hate speech thinly veiled as playful irony, then you guys aren’t very good comedians and you’re terrible at making jokes.

    I’m sorry if that offends anyone but maybe

    you’re just too sensitive….

    • Ahhhh, the sweet irony of referring to non politically correct articles as “retarded”.

      You lose.

    • Rob

      lol @ sensitive

  • ColletteDale

    anyone/women moaning about this CLEARY gives there man a reason to want to lock himself in a room and play these games, make the most of it…….im thinking prezzies from NEXT or some shopping with the girls would be a GREAT distraction & fair for them to pay for…………………….

    • Rob

      If you’re going shopping with the girls, make sure you pick up some bread, turkey, mayo, lettuce, swiss, Mountain Dew, extra coffee, some bottled water a 5 gallon bucket, some febreeze and a pallet of cheese-nips.

      Thanks!

  • Crimson Hikari

    Being a female gamer…I think I’ll understand if my best buds grunt incoherently down the microphone :D

    • Rob

      inorite?!

  • Claire

    I’m the girlfriend of a guy who’s getting Skyrim and I was directed here by one of my other female friends who’s boyfriend was getting Skyrim and I find it hilarious!
    Awesome job, Rob! :D
    Am I okay using this in a youtube video?

    • Rob

      Hell yeah.  Go for it!

  • Sagsa

    LOL hilarious article! I too find solace from the fact that women don’t touch me by degrading them and talking about them as if they are farmstock

    • Rob

      I’m sorry women don’t touch you.

      Try some nice aftershave.

  • Lisaqtpi

    Not to be a grammar nazi…. but dragged. As in “I am to be dragged out into the street and shot.”
    okay so i totally am one.

  • Dsadsd

    That was stupid as shit.

  • Guest

    I’m so confused reading these comments. I’m a girl, I think this is hilarious, and I am not offended to know where the kitchen is. I sent this to him so that he knows exactly what I’ll be doing the next couple of weeks. I love this. Bravo.

  • jade21

     ahahaha, I’m a girl, and I don’t play games too often, but I think this is brilliant!!  Thank God I don’t have a man in the house who plays though! I don’t have to do any of this!

  • Kiwi

    As a woman of the world, who happens to play Skyrim, I find this article completely relative to my interests, even if it is not completely accurate about the Frost Troll.

  • NotSureIfSerious

    This was funny. :D

    The fact you mistook the troll for werewolf doesnt bother me, as I find the trolls so much scarier than the werewolves anyway. especially the tough ice trolls. >.<

    Sexism? Gimme a break, every woman should know where the kitchen is in their house, same is said about every room. Unless you have some hidden Narnia room behind your warddrobe you havent found yet. O.o
    He did also say for female gamers to give to their male counterparts. I'd think if theres anything to complain about (which there isnt) surely it would be the fact he's made all male gamers look like mindless slobs, right? Not the fact he said someone would know where a room is in their house. People need to relax, but hes so right, I've clocked up so many hours on this game, playing it everyday. It's taken over my life. D:

  • Kyber

    I read this and laughed the whole way through thinking “Hahaha, that’s totally me” as the author called me and my demographic out on our gaming addiction and the completely stupid acts (or lack thereof) we will exhibit during this release. I laughed because it was exaggerated truth, which makes for a very good joke. A sexist comment was thrown in, and I laughed at that, too. Why? It was intentionally and overtly sexist, and well within context of “Women, take care of your new man-zombie”, so I digested it as humor, just as I’m sure it was written. IF you are one of the activists who missed the rest of the article in it’s context and have decided to put your bias before your brains, I have some suggestions you would likely profit from:

    1. Find a real sexist criminal to focus your hate on. Neither this author or article will be taking your rights.
    2. Find a real audience. Nobody read this article hoping to debate sexism with you.
    3. Reread the article, this time with unbiased and coherent thought processing. You will gain absolutely nothing but hate for you and your cause by slandering an obvious attempt at comedy. All is fair in love, war, and comedy.
    4. Laugh. It’s good for you.

    Thanks for reading, goodluck in future attempts at bringing biased hate into friendly atmospheres.

    P.S. I heard PETA is looking for people with your talents in their rally against Mario for the inhumane treatment of the endangered tanuki.