Skyrim – Releases in 6 days. Women Of The World, You’re On Notice.

Posted by on November 5, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Dragons and Werewolves and Skeletons, oh my! “The Elder Scrolls V – Skyrim” officially drops in 6 days and we, on behalf of all male gamers in the world have an official announcement for their non-gaming female counterparts.

If you’re a chick and you game, show this to your male friends. They’ll get the picture.

In the spirit of trying to help save relationships and friendships, the world round, we here at FEZ feel it’s important that we help to set the expectations our partners should have over the 14-365 days after the release of Skyrim next week.

When the game finds its way into our gaming systems we will, understandably, be very busy and therefor will not be able to do some of the things we would normally handle. Some examples of things we WON’T be doing are:

  • Trash
  • Dishes
  • Painting, in any form
  • Cleaning the grill
  • Shopping
  • Changing diapers (the baby’s or the grandparents’)
  • Sleeping
  • Speaking (except occasional grunts or screams of “OH MY GOD, DID YOU SEE THAT?!”)
  • Cooking
  • Sweeping
  • Mopping
  • Working
  • Paying attention to you
  • Getting up to pee
  • Answering the phone
  • Watching your favorite show with you
  • Acknowledging your existence
  • Blinking
  • Stopping (This includes hitting pause in order to kiss you goodnight or reassure you that we’re still breathing. If the little guy on the screen is still moving, we’re still alive.)

Please note that the list above is NOT inclusive. Furthermore, here is a short list of things we will expect of you during this period, in order to keep things as comfortable as possible for everyone involved.

  • Do not knock, call out, whisper, whistle, snap your fingers, try to act sexy or in any other way attempt to get our attention. If you require sexual intercourse, please keep your head out from in front of the television.
  • Please make sure you keep us fed and hydrated. Mountain Dew, coffee, and water, in rotation, along with turkey sandwiches and cheese-nips will keep us alive. It’s not much to ask. Now go – you know where the kitchen is.
  • If we are shifting around in our seat and crossing our legs, please bring a bottle, bucket, casserole dish, trash bag or other suitable receptacle for us to pee in. Also, shake it twice. Our hands are busy.
  • If supplies begin to run low, head off to the store and stock up. Hurry back, though, in case we have to pee.
  • If a baby or small child begins to cry, please stop the sound from reaching us. Feed it, water it, change it or take it to your mother’s place but, for god’s sake, don’t just let it squeal away like an injured bunny…Hurry Back!
  • We’re going to need some form of hygiene. A sponge bath, once or twice daily, should keep mold from setting in.
  • If you notice obvious discomfort, application of “icy hot” or creme analgesics to the thumbs and trigger fingers is appreciated. Just make sure you back off if there’s a boss battle.
  • You MAY need to feed us. If so, please make sure you wipe our mouths…don’t forget the little bits of mayo in the corners, please!
  • If we fart and the paint starts to peel, just pretend it was the dog / cat / fish / hamster and deal with it. Remember, we haven’t been eating very healthy recently.
  • Steak, once a week. Baked potato and shrimp lets us know you REALLY love us. Small bites, please, so we don’t choke.
  • If we DO choke, please attempt to perform the Heimlich maneuver without causing us to lose our fix on the TV.

And, lastly, let’s have a little understanding please. It’s not like we MADE them write such a kick ass game. We’re the victims, here. We shouldn’t be looked down upon any more than the victim of a mugging, or car-jacking. You know we care about you but we’re in a state of deep hypnosis and are unable to break the trance so just help us get through this as peacefully as possible and nobody has to get hurt.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Also, werewolf.

Ok so…apparently that’s some kind of troll. I think the one BELOW is a werewolf, though…If not, well…I suck.

ok, so…that looks like it’s not a werewolf either (yes I can make out the third eye). I am to be drug out into the street and shot, immediately.

If you “Team Jacob” me, I’ll slap you in the neck with a running chainsaw.

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