E=mc Blow Me. Science, You’re On Notice.

Posted by on September 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm

See that ‘splosion? That’s what I’m about to do to your nuts.

So I was sitting here last night watching “How the Universe Works” and pondering the beginnings of the universe, stars, black holes and all of the other things that sparkle and shimmer in the sky and as the night went on I got more and more frustrated with science and scientists.

So now I’m issuing my ultimatum. Science: Get your notes together and tell me what’s really going on or we’re going to have ourselves a very strong disagreement.

Let me start off by saying this. I’m not a cosmologist. I’m not a NASA scientist. I have no advanced degrees in physics or mathematics or anything, for that matter. Hell, I barely have enough education to tie my own shoes without having a nervous breakdown. What I am though is a curious dude who likes to read and can figure things out pretty well.

Like – I know that light has mass, because photons. I also know that those photons move at different speeds based on the wavelength of light they represent. Apparently science doesn’t know this but I do. I know this because SCUBA diving.

Maybe someday I’ll explain that. It’ll blow your mind. Srsly.

So if light has mass, how can it travel at the speed of light? According to Einstein, nothing can but light seems to do it juuuust fine.

Anyway, I’m getting off topic. The point I’m trying to make is this; Science spends way too much time postulating and building machines and punching the little buttons on their calculators and then using all their little numbers and experiments and theories to try to explain things but at the end of the day, they haven’t explained shit.

This is starting to piss me off.

I know exactly how a star becomes a star and exactly what happens when it finally runs out of gas. I know this from reading and looking at the math and seeing it happen on the Discovery Channel. No, really, they have video of it…I think it’s in time-lapse. So how is it that *I*, a dude who is barely smart enough to make a tuna sandwich without injuring himself, can grasp all of this stuff in the time it takes to make that sandwich and watch an episode of Nova but all of science can’t manage to come up with answers to my questions in all the years that science has been around?


I want to know what existed before the big bang. Was it everything? Was is nothing? Did the universe poof into existence because some super powerful deity had too many chili dogs and dropped a wet fart or did it happen because all of the matter in the universe became so compressed and hot that it turned into a massive hydrogen bomb?

I want to know how many other people are out there. I’m sure we can’t be alone in the universe…I mean, the universe is massive. We could fit at LEAST 5 or 10 earth sized planets in it. That would take like…months to drive across. So if the universe is so big, why haven’t we just accepted that other folks are floating around out there and popped in for a visit?

And another thing. This naming convention you guys have going on? Knock it off. First there were novas. Then we decided that a nova isn’t big enough so we invented supernovas. Then we decided that supernovas weren’t big enough, either so then we invented fucking HYPERNOVAS?! All this because we needed to invent black holes? Then, you decided that there had to be black holes out there which were really really big so you invented “super massive black holes” so you could explain galaxies?

What’s next? A hyper-super-duper-massive-ginormous black hole at the center of the universe, which was created by a omgwtfbbq-big nova?

No…no…no…NO. Stop it. Now. You’re just being a bunch of jackasses and now you’re on notice.

Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re all going to get together in a big room. Make sure you bring some note-paper and calculators and a slide-rule or two and a lot of coffee (I recommend Kona), you’re going to need them. Once you’re all there, sit down and hash this shit out. No sleeping, no mucking about, no thinking about your cat or your girlfriend or catching up on Big Bang Theory on your Tevo. WORK. Come up with some answers.

You have until the end of next week. If I haven’t heard something back by then, I’m kicking your ass.

Ok, that was a joke…I know you don’t have girlfriends.


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