Are You Prepared For The Zombie Apocalypse?

Now you want to know what kinds of things you’re going to need to take with you for your little sojourn in the wilderness so we’ll move on, now to other basic kit items. These are the things you’re going to need if you want to make it more than a couple of days. You should start building your “bug out kit” with the idea in mind that you may have to ditch it for a much lighter, more portable “bug out bag” if the fecal matter seriously hits the rotary recirculator. You will keep most of these items in a footlocker, trunk or other large container inside your garage or home, ready to be loaded up at the drop of a hat if the need to bug out arises suddenly.

Here’s a short (not exhaustive by any means) list of what should go in the “kit”.

First aid kit – I’m not talking about the little plastic box you get at the discount store, I’m talking about a full on, emergency grade kit which contains surgical tools, field dressings, sutures, emergency blankets, medications like painkillers and antibiotics, splints…all the good stuff you’re going to need when you’re getting stalked through the woods by brain-eating meatsacks and trying to repopulate the globe with your seed.

Tent – You don’t need to tote the Four Seasons out to the woods with you but it’s a great idea to have a ready-made shelter on hand. One of those little land pimples with the bendy-poles should more than suffice for the short term. All you need is something that will keep you dry and out of the elements.

High-powered rifle – If I have to tell you why you need this, stop reading…now…when the zombies come, just walk out to the middle of the street, lay down, and wait for them to eat you. It’ll be less miserable for you that way. Don’t forget lots of ammo, too, Mr. Crockett.

Lots and lots of ammo for your weapon(s) of choice – You don’t know when or if you’re going to be able to re-stock so you need to take a t0n with you. By “lots” I don’t mean 50 rounds, either…I’m thinking more along the lines of 5,000. DO NOT get stuck in the middle of a zombie fight with no bullets because I promise you, their teeth will hurt you a lot more than your tired ass little fisties will hurt them.

MRE’s – Military “Meal, Ready to Eat” rations will pack you full of enough calories to keep you going for a long time. In a pinch, you can fit enough in a medium sized duffle bag to keep you fat and happy for a month…just make sure you take them out of the outer bag – it’s way too bulky. Also, the warmers are mostly useless unless you’re a little princess who can’t handle eating ambient-temp food, so you can throw those out, Nancy (unless you know about the OTHER special uses for them in which case, save them!). If you can swing it, get as much Stew, Beef as possible. crumble up the cracker and mix it in the stew with the little bottle of Tabasco (provided in the package) and you have some serious gourmet food on your hands. I’m not kidding…it’s amazing!

Water – As much as you can possibly carry. If I even THINK you’re under the impression that water will be easy to come by and you don’t need to lug some out there with you, I will reach through the internet and slap you so hard you piss buttermilk. I’m not kidding.

Machete – for cutting saplings and making spears and the like. Also good for decapitating or splitting the skulls of those pesky zombies…duh!

Axe – for chopping down trees, splitting firewood and building cabins. Also good for decapitating or splitting the skulls of those pesky zombies…herp derp!

Knife sharpener – Something big you can use to keep the machete and other blades sharpened with. Learn to use a whetstone to keep your knives razor sharp at all times. You need a knife to cut things and you’re going to be cutting a lot of things out in the wild.

Rope – As much as you can fit in your 1985 Tercel will do just fine. You’ll be using this for…well…everything. Rope and other cordage are one of the most valuable resources you can have with you. Make sure you have some.

Waterproof boots – Again, if I have to tell you why…just go make a buffet out of yourself.

Arctic sleeping bag – Because sometimes it gets a little nippy in the mountains! One of these can also be used as a wind-break, blanket, carrying bag, mattress and has many other uses.

Fishing rod / reel and small tackle box- You don’t need to pack up like you’re heading off to the Bassmasters world championship but you’re going to need enough line, hooks and tackle to keep you pulling fish out of the water for, potentially, quite some time. You can use bugs and worms for bait so you don’t need to worry about tons of lures and crap.

Maps of the area – topographic maps are the best and you can get them at just about any sporting goods or outdoor shop. With a good topographic map and compass you can do some serious navigation, pathfinding and location. Get them, learn to read them, use them a lot.

Flashlight – For light. Also for beating yourself to death with if you didn’t know what you’d need it for before I told you.

CB or mobile ham radio transceiver (If you go ham radio, make sure you get licensed by the FCC…it’s a little bit of study and a couple of tests. Also, make it a portable high frequency radio which, in the right conditions, can reach around the world). This will allow you to keep up on what’s going on with the rest of humanity and, if necessary, communicate with rescue operations and military zombie-killing squads.

Clothing :

Socks – to cover your piddies. Can also be used to hold sand and coal for water filtration as well as many other uses.

Hat – Helps preserve body heat and prevent overheating and sunburn. Can also help you win the zombie apocalypse survivors fashion show, if it’s stylish enough.

2 shirts – Ya stinky bastard. Also, can be used in emergencies as bandages, to make char-cloth, head covering, wiping up zombie blood, carrying food, etc…

An extra pair of pants – because the ones you’re wearing may just tear. Can also be used for char cloth and any other purpose a good piece of cloth may be.

Water resistant / windproof jacket – You’re going to have to figure this one out on your own. If you’re still having trouble, smash your face into the nearest wall until your feet go numb and try again. Problem solved!

As I stated, this list is NOT exhaustive so please don’t drop comments about me forgetting to talk about a small genny or compact solar panels or marine batteries or any of that. This is “oh my god, they’re going to eat me, I need to get the hell out of dodge” not “well, it looks like I have a few days to prepare for the [insert predictable disaster here] so I’d better make sure I stock up and can be comfortable!”

Also, keep in mind that I’m not talking about your “bug out bag” which you will only ditch if carrying it is going to cost you your life – I’m talking about a full kit…the kind of kit you pre-build and leave in your garage (or vehicle if you have the room).

Check out the next page for a good list of starter items for your bug out bag.