Are You Prepared For The Zombie Apocalypse?

Ah, the bug out bag. The last line. The bag full of goodies you should never, ever be without. When you leave home it should be in your car. If you have to fly somewhere, you should take the guns out and fedex it to yourself because a bug out bag with no guns is better than no bug out bag at all. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you can’t have it with you, take a moment to hope that Murphy’s law doesn’t decide to drop by and kick you in the business while you’re empty handed.

In your bug out bag (This will be in your vehicle or immediately accessible at all times. This is the basic “holy shit” kit which will keep you alive for a few days when the world goes topsy-turvy), you’re going to want to have no less than the following items :

Cordage – There is no substitute for good cordage. In a survival situation, you’re going to find yourself constantly in need of ways to attach things, secure things, hang things, build things…Your best bet for this is 550 paracord. It is lightweight, easy to carry, easy to cut, very strong (it’s called 550 because it can support 550 pounds and you can double it up for double the strength) and, since it’s basically thin rope, it is very easy to work with. You can get bundles of several hundred feet, rather inexpensively, at many outdoor shops.

Multi-tool – Leatherman and Gerber both make good multi-tools. This is something you should never leave your bedroom without. A good multi-tool can mean the difference between life and death in a number of different situations. From cutting bits of rope to sawing your arm off if it becomes trapped under a rock, this is just about the most important piece of gear in the kit.

Medium – Large knife (a bowie knife or a kabar will do perfectly, here). This will serve as your basic utility knife. You’ll use it for digging, cutting wood, cleaning the guts out of your dinner, pounding nails, building traps, stabbing zombies and interlopers, cleaning under your nails and throwing at trees when you’re bored.

Knife sharpener – stone or steel, just make sure you have one. Knives were created for a reason – cutting things. If they aren’t sharp, they can’t cut things. Don’t deny the knife its purpose in the universe.

Emergency fire-starter like a blast-match or magnesium / flint block. Get one or four and practice with them, regularly. You need to be certain that you are able to utilize these tools to their fullest potential and actually start fires. If you can’t make a fire, you won’t need to worry about the zombies because bad water, starvation, freezing or nasty ass meat will kill you long before they do. If you get the magnesium block make sure you get a high quality one. The cheap Chinese knock-offs don’t work…at all…you’d be lucky if you could start a fire in a volcano with one of those.

Char cloth, several pieces (you can make and keep these in an altoids tin) – I won’t get in to long details here but char cloth is made by heating a piece of cloth past the point of ignition without allowing it to catch fire. Once the char cloth is created, it will ignite very easily using a blast match or flint and steel. You will use this to start fires, obviously, and they will allow you to do so quite easily and quickly. Naturally, you’ll want to test the cloth you’ve made before relying on it in an emergency situation.

Water (plan on 1 liter per day) and water purification tablets – We’ve talked about this. No clean water = you, dead, being eaten by zombies and various critters.

Field surgical kit with basic tools, sutures, antiseptics – This can mean the difference between life and death. If you or someone in your group suffers a laceration which requires suturing, you’ll need to have something to sew them up with(of course, you’ll need to learn how to do basic sutures but that’s easy if you can Google). If you don’t they could easily bleed to death and, though that would make for a LOT of extra food after you cleave them into steaks, it also means less people watching the perimeter, farming, hunting, building and sexing. Basically what I’m saying is that a decent surgical kit (often available for under $20) = sex so…make it happen!

Basic first aid kit – Yes, we’re doubling up here. This is in case you have to ditch the big kit and can only bring your bag with you. You won’t be able to carry an advanced, high-grade kit with you but the better kit you can manage to take out in the woods, the better off you’ll be. The items in the kit won’t save you from turning into a flesh eating bag of pus if you get bitten by a zombie but it may save your sorry ass if you get stung by a bee or break your finger.

Maps of the area – Again, doubling up here just in case. If you have to ditch your main kit, you’re going to want to have backup maps. You’re also going to want to learn how to read them and navigate.

Lensatic compass – A compass is an absolute MUST. You have to be able to tell which direction you’re heading in and where you’re at in case you’re able to reach rescue teams or zombie hunters by radio. If you’re over the age of 12 and you don’t know how to use a lensatic compass yet, it’s a really good idea to head outside and punch yourself in the face until you slip into a coma. When you get released from the hospital, find an 8 year old cub scout and ask him to teach you. Once he’s finished laughing at you, he’ll gladly show you how one works.

Long underwear – Because freezing sucks. If you’re in a warm climate, you may still need them at night and if it never gets cold enough to require them you can use them for many other purposes such as makeshift bandages, water filters, cleaning rags, gun barrel swabs, etc…

Hand held CB or ham radio transceiver (Again, I suggest getting an amateur radio license from the FCC and taking a hand-held ham radio with you wherever you go. A 2 meter hand held rig can reach people dozens of miles away or, if you are within range of an operational repeater, potentially hundreds of miles away. If the internet is still working, a small radio the size of a personal walkie-talkie can get anywhere on the globe.)

Flashlight – A small LED flashlight will more than suffice and unless you have night vision built in to your retinas, you’re going to need this…you know…for when it’s DARK. It’s much better to have a small light than to go stumbling around in the woods or mountains like a drunken moron, when you’re looking for a place to make stinky-pudding. If you can get your hands on a “self charging” flashlight, do it. This way you don’t have to worry about batteries.

Bandana – you can do tons of stuff with a good bandana, like – use it for a sling, a signal, cordage, a pot holder, a wash cloth, a carrying pouch, toilet paper, a dish-rag, a napkin (hopefully not all 3 in succession), earmuffs, a dust-rag, a snot-rag, a sweatband, evaporative cooling, etc…

A large freezer bag full of lighters, matches, tinder, char-cloth, batteries…all the stuff you want to keep dry. Lighters, and tinder are especially important as these can save valuable time and are very reliable fire-starters. Also, keep your batteries dry for longer life and safer use.

And here’s the big one;

A firearm – What kind of firearm? That’s up to you. Semi-auto handgun, wheel gun, shotgun, rifle…this will be determined by what you can comfortably carry in your bag or on your person. If you can carry 2, even better. A handgun and a rifle are a great choice but keep in mind that you needn’t carry an elk-gun with you. A .22 rifle will kill the hell out of rabbits, squirrels, coyotes and other small game which makes it a perfect dinner-getter. It will also dispatch zombies JUST fine at close range.

You also need to make sure you pack a lot of ammo in your bag. The best case scenario, if you have to ditch your full kit, is that you are soon able to recover it. If you can’t, though, you’re going to need to have enough ammunition to get you by for quite a while. Remember that those bullets are going to do everything from feed you to clothe you to defend you so don’t skimp on the rounds.

A small pot – you can get a small 1 quart pot at any outdoor shop on the cheap. They’re light and fairly sturdy and you can boil the hell out of water with one. Remember that talk we had about boiling water? You should. Well, this one’s important because you can also use it to make tea, soup, stew, coffee, goose liver pate’, lobster bisque and shrimp foie gras…You get the picture.

Pocket water filter – because…water. Duh. You can get a smaller version of the ceramic filter which will still work through a LOT of water (30-40,000 liters) and will fit nicely in your pack. Make sure you have one because that whole thing about slapping you so hard you piss buttermilk is still in effect.

Emergency ration bars – Most of them taste like sweaty yak-sack but they’re packed with protein and calories and will keep you from taking a dirt-nap for quite some time. You can EASILY fit a few day’s worth in a backpack and, hey, eating something that tastes like butt is better than eating nothing at all.

Now that we have the basics down and have built up a nice bug out bag and kit, we practice and perfect our skills.