Are You Prepared For The Zombie Apocalypse?

When it comes to putting the slaughter on those god damned dirty gut-eating brain-suckers, there’s nothing in the world that’s going to serve you better than a gun…well…except for LOTS of guns.

At this point you may be thinking “I don’t even like the idea of owning a SINGLE gun, I just can’t possibly own a whole mess of them!”. I can understand your point, believe me. I know lots of people just aren’t down with having having deadly weapons in their homes, for a number of reasons. It could be because you have small children running around or it could be because you don’t ever want to be in a position where you’re launching balls of lead at over 1000 feet per second, at someone’s brain-pan.

To that, all I can say is – When it comes to “kill or be killed”, you’ll be rethinking that whole anti-gun stance of yours but, by then, it’ll be too late. There’s no such thing as being anti-gun when there’s a hungry flesh-eater chasing you.

For the rest of you, you’re going to want to acquire and build solid skills in a number of different types of firearms and melee weapons. Remember when we talked about machetes and axes, earlier? It’s a good idea to get used to using those in close quarters and cramped places. You never know when you’re going to be set upon by the walking dead or how much room you’re going to have to maneuver and you really don’t want to get stuck in position where your machete is stuck in the ceiling and a zombie is sucking your brain out through the hole that used to be your face.

You’re also going to want to spend some time at the range with your firearms to make sure you’re highly proficient with them. You’ll need to practice marksmanship, switching weapons on the fly, reloading, changing magazines, clearing failures, counting rounds, shooting and tracking multiple targets and, if possible, shooting while on the move. Most indoor ranges and gun clubs won’t allow tactical practices like that but if you can find an outdoor range, you may be in luck.

You’re going to want to practice to the point that you can land a bulls-eye with each weapon from it’s extreme range, every shot, no exceptions. This will allow you to work under pressure and still maintain some semblance of accuracy because the more comfortable and confident you are with your weapons, the better you’ll perform under stress.

Again, it’s a good idea to own and practice with multiple weapons. I suggest acquiring a high powered rifle for those long range shots, a handgun for the close-in stuff, a shotgun for maximum devastation and an assault rifle for when you absolutely, positively, have to kill everything in the area, NOW. That covers all of your bases and, along with the axe, machete and knife, makes sure you’re prepared for just about any contingency.

You’re also going to want to make sure that the people you’re with own firearms and know how to use them. It’s not a good idea to be stuck with a bunch of people who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a shotgun, from 10 feet away and end up running to you, screaming like a pack of 3rd grade girls every time a twig breaks in the night. If you have a group that doesn’t want to learn to use firearms, ditch them. Find new people. “Non combatants” will get you dead very quickly in a combat situation, even after they’ve decided they need to start shooting.

One of the skills you’re going to want to focus on will be the head-shot. Not because we’re sure that a head-shot will kill a zombie but because we’re sure that a head shot will kill just about anything that moves and because it’s awfully hard for a zombie to bite you when it doesn’t have a jaw to bite you with. Be aware that scoring a head shot is notoriously difficult, especially when you’re on the move. The head doesn’t tend to stay still for you to draw a bead on and scoring a snap-shot isn’t nearly as easy as they make it look on TV and in the movies. This is a skill you’re going to have to practice and practice and practice and you’ll still likely never perfect it. Proficient may not be as good as perfect but it’s a hell of a lot better than incompetent so get to work.

I’m also going to suggest getting your hands on copies of various improvised weapons and munitions manuals. You’re going to want to be able to build traps sufficient to disable or de-animate any undead scumbags unfortunate enough to stumble across them. You can create pit traps, bow traps, spikes on logs launched by lashed saplings or gravity, improvised land mines and all sorts of other goodies. The idea is that you want to make the zombies unable to nosh on your sinuses while, at the same time, letting you know they’re there so you can commence to busting their grapes all over the place, if any manage to slip through the web.

Another thing you’re going to have to keep in mind is the possibility of encountering roving groups of HUMAN marauders and bandits. These guys can be just as bad as, or worse than the zombies (mostly because they may have guns) and should be kept a look out for. If you do see groups of people out scouting, it’s advisable to not make contact with them unless it is obvious that they are a rescue group…if you don’t know how to identify the military and rescue organizations in your country, I’d suggest you get on that, STAT.

I know, you’re thinking about strength in numbers and company and spreading out the workload and all that. What I’m thinking about is not letting people know where my group is so they can come back later with a larger group of people intent on stealing our food and water, raping our women, making off with our gear and killing everyone.

“Oh, come on, Rob…You’re being a little cynical, aren’t you?”

Maybe I am but I’d rather be cynical and survive than be Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky-Carebear, herp-derp-derpin’ all over the woods and taking in every stray I find wandering around only to find, after being jarred awake at 0300 by a boot to the head, that the stray is a scout for a group of bandits. This is survival, not a block party / potluck dinner.

Think I’m making this stuff up? Read some Sun Tzu sometime. He’ll square you away.

So what to do if you’re out scouting or perched in an observation tower and you see the walking dead off in the distance, heading your way? Well, the first thing you need to do is assess the threat level. Is it a bunch of crawlers who are going to take 6 weeks to make it to your camp? Shamblers? RUNNERS, God forbid? (Man I hope there won’t be any runners…I HATE RUNNERS!) You need to get a good head count and make sure there aren’t any coming from other directions. We want to be certain we are 100% comfortable with the threat level and that we communicate the threat to our group as accurately and quickly as possible.

As soon as the threat is communicated, the whole group has to decide how to act and then put their plan in motion.

Here are some tips;

If the brain suckers are miles away, don’t immediately grab up your guns and start shooting. Keep an eye on them and see what they do. See if any more show up. Keep scanning the area to see if it’s crawling with walking maggot farms that you hadn’t noticed before. Start figuring out if you’re going to defend your turf or if you need to break down and bug out again.

If they’re within spitting distance before you spot them this means you’ve made a grievous tactical error and now it’s time to go to work. Grab up the guns and the machetes and the baseball bats with nails in them and start busting heads. Once you’re done smashing zombie skulls you’re probably going to want to bug out, at least for a couple of days, and spend time observing your area to see if the sounds of battle have drawn in any more zombies or gotten the attention of bands of marauders.

If you spot them at medium range, or you saw them far off and they’ve closed to such a range that you believe them to be a viable threat, it’s time to go to them. You don’t want them all up in your business, bleeding in your water and drooling on your food so scoop up the zombie killers and head their way.

You’re not going to want to walk right into them, though. This is tactically bad. You’re going to want to flank them and try to take the rear, making sure you’re aware if there are any zombies behind the main group. You don’t want to make yourself the meat in a zombie sandwich so stay alert, stay aware and stay alive. Conserve your ammo, take measured, easy shots and make each one count. This ain’t the wild west, it’s a life or death fight – grand prix style. Each time you get through a fight, you can expect to have another one in the near future so take it easy, Tex.

Once the zombie threat has been neutralized (that’s tac-speak for thoroughly buttsexed) it’s time to return to camp and evaluate your situation. Pay close attention and look for wounded members. Start patching up any cuts or scrapes and keep an eye on the wounded to see how they do. If you see ANY signs that they’re starting to become unstable or turning into a pus-bubbling spine chewer, put a bullet in their head. Don’t get all sentimental and weepy or start that crap about how there may be a cure so let’s just keep them around until it’s all over and get them to a hospital…Shoot them. NOW. If you discover that you’ve been bitten or start having strange cravings for human ears, do yourself and everyone else a favor and put one in your own dome. You’re dead anyway, you may as well go out with some honor.

At this point, it’s still a fairly good idea to fall back to an alternate location, close to the main camp, and observe. Make sure you’ve not drawn any unwanted attention to yourself. Remember that gunfire can carry for miles upon miles in the mountains and while it’s very difficult to pinpoint the location of the gunfire from a distance, it will most certainly alert anyone in the area to your presence. Take what you can carry quickly, hide what you can’t (it’s a good idea to have pre-dug, camouflaged holes for stowing your stuff) and head off for a while. When you’re certain it’s safe, head back and settle in but be prepared to do it again whenever it’s necessary.

I know there’s a lot to learn about becoming a walking machine of zombie-death-dealing hellfire that I haven’t covered here but I simply can’t publish everything you’ll need to know within the confines of this article. What I will tell you is that it’s a good idea to start learning your survival skills now because, while in all likelihood nothing like this will ever happen, what if it does? Take a moment to think about that…

What if it does?

Stay alert, Stay alive!