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Shaq Retires, “Kazaam” Returns

Posted by on June 3, 2011 at 1:11 pm

Shaq this, Shaq that — It seems like the only thing ESPN has been talking about yesterday and today is the big man himself. Now, if you’ve been living under a rock, Shaquille O’Neal announced his retirement from his 19 year campaign of basketball, leaving the big question for everyone to ponder: what will Shaq do now? No one has said anything, but we’re all thinking — a Kazaam sequel.

Yes, I said the unholy of unholy words: Kazaam. Man, what a horrible movie — I’m shuddering just thinking about it. Did you know that Kazaam has a cult following much like Troll 2? I didn’t know either until I made that fact up. Regardless, how amazing and flabbergasting would it be to see a trailer for Kazaam 2 in theaters? Personally, I’d probably vomit all over the person in front of me. Perhaps Kazaam 2 is not the movie we’re looking for. So scratch that idea. What else can Shaq do?

Yeah, you’re welcome.

Hey, what about a Space Jam sequel? We never got a true sequel to it! (I will never count the one with Brenden Fraiser, blasphemy!) Looney Toons are hot right now. Shaq needs to jump on the LT bandwagon and ride it like he’s holding onto his rapping career. Yikes, bad analogy, moving on. The story begins with Shaq retiring, obviously. Meanwhile, something horribly wrong is going down in Looney Toon Land: AIDS.

The AIDS virus is introduced into LTL, no thanks to Calamity Sams sex addiction. The only way to stop it from spreading is to have a charity basketball game to bring in money to help researchers find a cure. Unfortunately, the head of the charity is a scam artist and runs away with all of the research money. That is when Bugs Bunny kidnaps the “Shaq-Attack” in the same manner with Michael Jordan in the first film. The B.M.O.C. is incredibly furious because he was right in the middle of filming Kazaam 2. Of course, after Bugs tells Shaq the problem, he gets down to bizniz. Thus begins a crazy montage of Shaq recruiting a team of board members for a new charity. Once the board is in place, they express their true feelings — wanting Shaq to play on one of the teams to help bring in a larger audience. There’s only one problem. He won’t accept. Shaq states that unlike Michael Jordan or Bret Favre — he sticks to his word. Board members Michael Jordan and Bret Favre are incredibly offended by this statement and become hostile. I won’t spoil what happens next since I’m still writing the screen play but what I can tell you is that at the end Shaq gives in to their demands and shows both worlds that he still has the balls to play basketball. And they find out AIDS is incurable.

To kind of wrap this fluster cuck of an article, no one knows what Shaq will do next. I’m sure there’ll be another reality show and who knows, maybe he’ll put on his acting pants again. I can only hope that both my ideas will never come into existence.

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