As despicable as it may appear, a battery and an onion are perfect gifts. Unfortunately, Jimmy Kimmel got to it before I did, so everyone probably already bought their spouses and children onions and batteries for their cooking and portable energy needs. While you probably did decently around the Christmas tree in supplying the latest and greatest gifts to those that matter most, you probably didn’t give out the best gifts. But fear not! I’m here to be your elf undercover and help you save the holidays from less-than-ideal gifts with the perfect list of stuff! If you hurry now, you might still be able to cook up a ‘well, Santa’s a little late to our house this year’ excuse. In fact, just use that one, it’s great. Works all the time.
A Zune HD – Guess what? Microsoft isn’t making these anymore, so you better hurry up and find one before they’re gone. Even if you don’t use it for all its incredible music playing purposes (it is the best media player ever made, after all) you can at least save it up for some rare auction in the future when trilithium-based aliens land to destroy the Earth. Yes, I’m saying the Zune HD will defeat them.
A potato – One of the few things that can be frenched. (Ba-dum-pssh!)
A subscription to Star Wars: The Old Republic – Rob liked it and despite my issues acquiring it (DON’T BUY IT FROM EA’S ORIGIN SERVICE) it’s a pretty nifty game. Get them off of their World of Warcraft addiction and straight onto this!
An abandoned theme park – For far too long, these have been exclusively relegated to the stuff that Goosebumps books are made of, but when you watch this video, your heart and mind will open with joy of sheer possibilities!
Some World’s Largest Reese’s Cups – We weren’t that jolly on them as candy, but we are jolly on them as mind control. Give your spouse one of these and in a sugar-induced haze, they’ll do pretty much everything. Haha, getting out of vacuuming the rugs once again!
A copy of Kevin Smith’s Red State – Just kidding, it’s awful.
… and even these, while they’re fantastic gifts, just can’t match the utility and joy one receives from the best gift on our list. Click on to see what it is!