How do I put this? Hmmm. The Girl Scouts’ annual cookie drive is like the arrival of a brand new phone, or game console, or highly-anticipated game. But it’s for normal people, like grandmad. Your heart would have to be as cold as stone to deny the meek Girl Scout’s request to buy some boxes of America’s favorite sugary treats when you exit the grocery store (y’know, after buying everything you already want? Location, location, location). As a former Boy Scout, I’m still not entirely sure what Girl Scouts do other than selling cookies.
While I was roughing it under the stars on a cold night, Girl Scouts they weren’t. When we were building fires, they weren’t. When we were playing with sharp tools, they certainly weren’t. While I was pushed into selling Trail’s End popcorn, people threw it on the ground and spat at me, then asked when the Girls were coming around. My childhood was so cruel!
Meanwhile, I’m almost convinced that Girl Scouts are really just a marketing tool for their cookies. The Samoans need more representation in the midwest? Dispatch more Girl Scout troops to Minnesota. Not meeting quotas in the Pacific Northwest? PARACHUTE IN THE TROOPS. Still, Girl Scouting keeps young women out of trouble and away from playing video games (wait, do girls play video games?) or fist fights (wait, do girls….), but most importantly, the Girl Scouts are a pretty cool club and 70% of the cookie money stays with them. My respect for any youth group is limited to the amount of respectful fire it sets, but I guess the cookies will do.
Give me fifty boxes.