The Zombie Apocalypse Is Here – And I Told You This Crap Was Coming!

Posted by on June 1, 2012 at 8:39 pm
Do you want this to be the last thing you see?

Yeah, that’s right…It’s time for us all to die. According to scientists from 143 different countries, we’re all screwed and will either be cannibalistic zombies, or dead, within a few weeks time.

I’m glad this waited until E3 was about to start. I’d be PISSED if I got eaten before the announcement of the new consoles.

So here’s the situation, in a nutshell; PEOPLE ARE FUCKING EATING EACH OTHER!!

Now I can understand chewing on your buddies if you’re out in the middle of the desert or frozen tundra, lost, and the only thing separating living from dying is Joe’s thigh but these people aren’t stuck out in the middle of anywhere. They live in cities and don’t have frostbite, at all.


Let’s take a look at some of this craziness.

First, back in July of 2009, Otty Sanchez killed, carved up and ate her 3 1/2 week old child. The details are pretty gruesome so I’ll spare you most of those but lets go ahead and think about the fact that his brain was no longer in his head. Otty claims that “the devil made her do it” but, let’s be honest…Is a person right in the mind enough to tell you why they did it, after something like that.


Let’s fast forward now to some more recent events…First we’ll talk about the people-nomming which transpired in Miami a few days ago. If you haven’t heard about this one, you need to get with the rest of the planet because this is straight crazy!

Rudy Eugene, 31, of Miami, Florida seemed like a normal, every day guy. He brought his mother flowers and told her he loved her. He carried a bible with him and loved to quote scriptures. Then, out of nowhere, something went terribly wrong in Rudy’s mind and he decided that he needed to strip down naked and eat a guy by the name of Ronald Poppo.

Yeah, you read that right. He stripped off his clothes and ate Ronald Poppo…Well, he ate his FACE, anyway, and I’m sure he would have gone much further if a nice police officer hadn’t happened across the scene and asked Rudy to stop his shenanigans, which Rudy did…

…After the cop dumped half a magazine worth of bullets into him, because Rudy wouldn’t stop the FIRST time the cop shot him.

I’ve seen photos of the victim, before and after. Let me tell you; It’s pretty damned foul.

Police suspect that Rudy Eugene was under the influence of a designer drug called “bath salts” which they say has such side effects as increased body temperature, hallucinations, delusions and violent outbursts. Also, it apparently turns you into a flesh eating zombie.

Yeah, sign me up for a double dose of THAT stuff.

Flash forward again a couple of days and we have another one. In Baltimore, Maryland, 21-year-old Alexander Kinyua is arrested for killing 37-year-old Kujoe Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie and, yep…you guessed it…EATING HIM.

The victim was actually reported missing on May 25th, meaning that this attack (and by attack I mean dining) actually took place before the one in Miami, making Alexander Kinyua “Zombie Zero”, as far as we know.

The problem that I have with all of this is that experts say cannibalism is extremely rare. Well guess what! IT ISN’T ANYMORE. 2 in a week does not qualify as rare, it qualifies as “load your shotguns, the zombies are on the loose”.

I’ve been saying, for years that I didn’t believe the zombie apocalypse would come in the form of undead shamblers rising from the grave and stumbling around trying to fulfill their basic instincts by eating everything that moves but would, instead, come in the form of some drug or disease which fucked people up so badly that they went completely out of their trees and started attacking and eating…everything that moves.

Looks like I was right AGAIN.

What we really have to hope for now is that this new drug that’s making people eat each other never gets modified in such a way that it can be passed on through blood or saliva. If that happens, we’ve got an actual zombie apocalypse on our hands and we’re definitely all dead.

In the meantime, here’s a little tip for all the drug users out there. STOP TAKING SHIT THAT MAKES YOU EAT PEOPLE, YOU MORONS. Can’t you just go get a medical marijuana card like the rest of the burn-outs out there? Jesus.

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