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It’s The End Of The World As We Know It And I Feel Fine

Posted by on December 21, 2012 at 8:51 am
Just one way out.

Just one way out.

At the time of this posting, we are nine hours into December 21st, 2012, the fabled rejuvenation of the Mayan calendar and final historical reference to any definitive end of days. We enjoy this so much because we wonder how we would handle ourselves in such a scenario where people relied on us more than ever. What if we needed to be sturdier, craftier creatures than our neighbors? How smart are we? Could we truly survive the apocalypse? Let’s go over a few scenarios.

After Earth (film) – In the new M. Night Shyamalan film, Earth has been abandoned for a thousand years and is now an overgrown, hazardous area. Filled with wild animals and terrible environments unsuitable for man, you’d do about as well in this future realm as you would abandoned in the Amazon. That is to say, not well. Survivability: None

Fallout (game) – The product of Cold War fears, Fallout envisions a world where mutually assured destruction definitely happened. Virtually every inch of the first and second worlds was reduced to radioactive rubble and only the privileged few made it to the safety of the vaults. At any rate, life in the vault is a miserable experience since you’ll probably never live to see another glint of natural daylight. Survivability: Low

Resident Evil (game/movie) – I gotta be honest, I don’t know much about Resident Evil, aside from the fact that there are zombies and viruses that cause zombies. And then there are other viruses that cause other things and they made some really bad movies about this. Nothing about Resident Evil makes sense, so chances are they’d find some clever way to write you out of existence by any means necessary. Like you ate a poisoned waffle cone and a tentacle grew out of your throat. Yeah, it’s weird, I know! Survivability: None

Zombie (all formats) – Rob has a plan, just follow it. Survivability: High (unless you’re dumb or live in New York or LA)

Oblivion (film) – Tom Cruise is a handy man operating out of a floating city/ship/thing. Mankind fought the Scavs for years, reducing the landscape to ash, but we eventually won. Can’t win if you don’t survive, right? Although your shotgun probably isn’t gonna work well against alien death rays. Survivability: Moderate

Alien (all formats) – This can go a variety of ways. If you subscribe to the Emmerich/Devlin theory of alien invasion, a.k.a., Independence Day, all you really need to do is be thirty miles outside a populated area or have easy access to rural areas. If you subscribe to the X-COM theory, you’ll be subjected to a high level of extra terrestrial terrorism while an ultra-covert organization battles for your right to live one mission at a time. Despite the fact that any aliens would need hyper advanced technology to even arrive at Earth from their point of origin, much less invade it, it seems interesting that we’re always portrayed on some kind of even fighting field in almost every form of alien invasion fiction. Hmmm, I guess I like those odds. Survivability: Medium

Revolution (TV) – If the world truly lost all of its electricity, we’d really only be set back 200 years, which isn’t much of an era in all of humanity’s existence. Oh sure, if you needed particular medications to live day to day, you’d probably be done pretty quick. If you’re 50 years or older, you were either dead or in terrible pain at this point, anyway. Besides, according to Revolution, you get to the age of 30 and then stop aging entirely because it’s prohibitively expensive to render you older. Not only will you survive Revolution’s apocalypse, you’ll look faaaaaaaabulous as well. Survivability: High

Mayan (calendar) – We’ll be just fine. Unfortunately. Survivability: Guaranteed

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