UPDATE: After making the announcement, both the entire population of the internet and the FCC – yes, the FCC – revolted against the increases. Verizon has now backed down from the charges.
So this is cool. Starting January 15th, Verizon customers are going to be charged an additional $2 every time they pay their bill through their automatic phone system or online through their web site. The only way to get around this? Set your account up for automatic withdrawal, which hardly seems like a convenience considering they’ll probably just ‘automatically withdraw’ an additional $2 per month that way, anyway. I can see the situation now…
(Three VERIZON EXECS sit in a conference room, mid-day, overlooking the Manhattan skyline)
Exec #1 – Okay, let’s talk about money.
Exec #2 – WE HAVE SO MUCH MONEY!
Exec #1 – Yes, but we need MORE! Where do we get it?
Exec #3 – Start charging $299.99 for subsidized flagship phones.
Exec #2 – Step ahead of ya!
Exec #3 – Okay, what if emphasize the value of our new LTE network?
Exec #2 – Uh, well, we’re still working on that.
Exec #2 – Well, the marketing’s out there. People know about it. A lot!
Exec #3 – Hmmmm…
Exec #2 – Okay, get this, guys: we charge people to pay their bills!
Exec #3 – But we already do that over the phone-
Exec #2 – Shhhh. I’m saying we charge people to pay their bills with automated machines!
Exec #1 – You mean, the employees we aren’t paying?
Exec #2 – That’s right! Then we label it a convenience because of its value.
(Room is silent.)
Exec #2 – Convenience.
Exec #1 – I’m following….
Exec #2 – …Value.
Exec #3 – Oh My God, this is BRILLIANT.
Exec #1 – Well, I’m glad that’s over! Phew, almost thought we were out of ideas! Who’s up for some mulling some mission statements after lunch!?
(The executives cheer)
Well, that’s great.