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FleshEatingZipper’s Official Stance On Keith’s Article About Steve Jobs’ Funeral

Posted by on October 20, 2011 at 8:15 pm

We, at FleshEatingZipper, realize Keith’s article about being delayed at the Apple store due to observation of Steve Jobs’ funeral was insensitive, crass and unfunny.

Read on to find out what we’re going to do about it.

As I said, we realize how easily Keith’s article – and opinion for sure – could hurt people’s feelings. We understand that the old men at the food court may appear as if they’re waiting to die but that’s almost certainly due, not so much to them waiting to die but to the fact that they’d been eating at Cinnabon and were concentrating on not messing their pants.

We also know the fact that Express for Men didn’t have any pants in his size is due to the fact that he’s a small, small person and nobody makes pants that will fit him…except Garanimals…I mean, the guy can even sneak up on cameras, undetected.

Furthermore, we have a great deal of sensitivity for those who may not have been able to shower, due to their grief over the loss of Mr. Jobs and we know that Keith’s uncouth comments about people’s bodily emanations can easily be seen as a personal attack.

All this having been said, we have a solution we think everyone will be satisfied with. We currently have Keith gagged and strapped to a chair in the back room. Attached to the arms of that chair is the pneumatic hammering device pictured above, with the heavy bit aimed directly at Keith’s boy-parts.

For every “LIKE” we receive on Facebook, the hammer will swing down with the force of a drunken, surly, yet determined carpenter and will smash his delicate balls into oblivion.

We think that by the time we hit 5,000 or so, we’ll be able to start calling him Katie.

So what are you waiting for?! Start clicking that like button!

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